Signs of Child Sexual Abuse

Unfortunately, child sexual abuse is far more common than society thinks. Knowing the signs of abuse is critically important to save a child from enduring abuse or to stop abuse that a child is already experiencing. Please share this episode with anyone you know who has children of their own or is frequently around children <3

The following sources were used in creating this episode.
https://www.rainn.org/articles/warning-signs-young-children
https://childusa.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Delayed-Disclosure-Factsheet-2020.pdf
https://www.d2l.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/all_statistics_20150619.pdf

Healing requires energy, vulnerability, and hard work. It’s a lifelong journey and it's never linear. Whatever season you're in on your healing journey, hold on to hope. <3

I hope you have a lovely rest of your day!
Love,
MacKenzie Mae


For help NOW!
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

For boys and men specifically: 1-800-656-4673

More resources here! https://linktr.ee/traumachatspodcast

Transcript

Welcome back fellow survivors and allies to Trauma Chats with MacKenzie Mae! Thank you for clicking on this episode. Today I will be chatting about child sexual abuse, what it encompasses, the signs that indicate a child may be experiencing abuse, my experience as child sexual abuse survivor, and some statistics that may surprise you. Next week’s episode will be a continuation of this topic where I’ll go into what steps to take if you do notice these signs, as well as other prevention strategies, so make sure you follow this podcast so you don’t miss it! With that being said, although you could gather by the title, this is a trigger warning that sexual abuse will be discussed so listen at your own discretion. 

Especially if you are a survivor of child sexual abuse, please ensure you are in a safe space not only physically but mentally when listening to this episode. Maybe tell someone in your support system that you may need them to lean on if you become triggered, or make sure you have coping skills to work through any triggers on your own as you’re listening. I hope by listening to this episode you can reflect on your experience, maybe gain a deeper understanding of what you went through and, most importantly, show yourself grace. If you’re listening to me thinking, how the hell is this girl talking so calmly about all of this? I get that. The thing is, we are all on our own healing journeys, our own timelines. I never in a million years thought I’d be comfortable speaking of my abuse to anyone outside of my support system, let alone to the internet and anyone who wants to listen. But through the years of healing I’ve done, I’m at a point where I am able to talk about these things without being overcome by emotions. Don’t get me wrong, there are many many instances where I have to take a break from researching, writing, or recording because my heart starts racing, my emotions overcome me, and tears start running down my face. Creating these episodes is part of my healing journey as well. I’m learning so much and working through my trauma alongside you all. I just wanted to say that because I don’t want anyone to feel like they’re not far enough along on their healing journey or thinking well I can’t talk about it like she can so there’s something wrong with me. Again, we are all on our own paths. It’s taken me so so many years to get to where I am now. So keep working to heal and don’t lose hope. You are exactly where you need to be! 

For everyone listening, I hope you gain some insight into the reality of child sexual abuse and are able to internalize these signs that could indicate abuse so you can look out for or even save a child from sexual abuse. This is incredibly important to create environments where children are safe and supported. So please share this episode with others, especially others who have their own children or are frequently around children. Make sure to leave a rate and review on this podcast. And as always, feel free to DM me on Instagram at trauma chats podcast anytime! Alright now let’s get into today’s episode.

Child sexual abuse is more common than most think. In fact, 1 in 10 children will be sexually abused before the age of 18. Every 9 minutes, government authorities respond to another report of child sexual abuse. However, only 6-15% of child sexual abuse is even reported to legal authorities, and data from the United States Department of Justice suggests that 86% of child sexual abuse is never reported. Imagine how often government authorities would be responding if all child sexual abuse cases were reported. 

Let’s define child sexual abuse. Child sexual abuse occurs when any sexual act is performed between an adult and a minor (anyone under the age of 18) or between two minors where one exerts power over the other. This can include forcing, coercing, or persuading a child to engage in a sexual act, but it can also include non-contact acts like communicating in a sexual manner even virtually through a phone or the internet, exhibitionism or exposing oneself to a child, taking inappropriate pictures or videos of a child, voyeurism or viewing a child naked or engaging in a sexual act, or showing a child pornography. Child sexual abuse is often referred to as child molestation as well. I learned about the word molestation at 13 years old when I disclosed my abuse to my best friend who was also 13. She looked up what I was telling her and told me I was being molested. Before then I had no idea what was happening to me the last 3 years of my life, let alone ever heard that word. If you haven’t listened to other episodes of mine, then you may not know I was sexually abused or molested from ages 9 to 13 by my taekwondo coach. If you’re interested in hearing my full story, check out the first episode of this podcast. 

SIGNS OF CSA

I’m going to share some common signs that a child may be experiencing sexual abuse. It’s vitally important that parents and anyone who spends time around children are aware of these signs. By being aware, one can know what to look out for to be aware when something is off. My mom had told me countless times about how she just wish she would’ve known the signs because if so, she may have been able to identify it happening and stopped it sooner. The truth is you don’t know what you don’t know. If you don’t know the signs, you don’t know what to look out for. For any parents or loved ones listening whose child or loved one is a survivor, I empathize with you. I can imagine how you could feel immense guilt for not knowing, or look back and say, “I should’ve known.” I’ve heard my mother say that. Please understand that you did the best you could. You didn’t know the signs at the time. The best thing you can do is support your child or loved one NOW. Personally, I put absolutely zero guilt on my parents for not knowing. All I care about is how my parents supported me once they were aware of it. Again, you don’t know what you don’t know. Child abusers are incredibly manipulative. Their victims are manipulated, but so are their victim’s families and loved ones. They try to take every precaution possible so they won’t get caught and can continue to abuse. The blame is not on the victim, their loved ones, or their parents. The blame is completely, 100% on the abuser. Please give yourself grace. 

It's not always easy to notice abuse; there are physical signs which are probably easiest to spot, behavioral signs, and emotional signs both of which can be more difficult to assess the reasoning of. These signs could present themselves during the abuse and/or after it has ended. The most common physical signs of child sexual abuse are sexually transmitted infections or STIs, frequent urinary tract infections or UTIs, and signs of physical trauma to the genital areas such as unexplained bleeding and/or bruising, or blood on sheets, underwear, or other clothing. You can imagine that these signs indicate that something is going on. I’ve heard of several stories where a parent brings their child in for having continuous UTIs and that’s how they discovered the abuse.

Behavioral signs can be more difficult to determine the underlying reason, but for child sexual abuse, these behavioral changes oftentimes seem abrupt or sudden. If a child starts excessively talking about, suddenly has knowledge on sexual topics, or begins acting inappropriately sexual for their age, they may be experiencing some type of sexual abuse. More behavioral signs of abuse are if a child suddenly wants to spend much more time alone, stop talking as much, seem to keep secrets, or become overly compliant unexpectedly. Some children will regress to old behaviors such as thumb sucking or wetting the bed if they’re being abused. They may also try to avoid removing clothing as much as possible even to change or bathe. In my experience, I started layering my clothing. I remember the last year of my abuse from 12 to 13, I was just starting to go through puberty, but I wasn’t even developing yet. Regardless, I would wear a training bra and a tank top under anything I wore, even if it was blazing hot outside. Reflecting back, I think I did this to deter my abuser from touching my chest. I believe right before I started doing this, my abuser touched and poked at my pre-pubescent breasts as he made remarks about how I was growing up and I’d be developing boobs soon. I thought if I had enough layers then he wouldn’t really be touching my chest because it’d be covered up enough. I also thought if he wanted me to take them off if would at least give me more layers to slow it down. Another behavioral sign of a child being abused is if they don’t want to be left alone with certain people or are afraid to leave their care giver. This is something I experienced. The man who abused me always tried to get me to stay the night at his house or go to family events with him saying it was because his children really wanted me around. I truly adored his children and loved spending time with them, so it didn’t seem like a huge red flag to my parents to let me stay. Additionally, I would stay the night typically before a morning taekwondo practice or I’d travel with him out of town to assistant teach at his other studios or summer camps. For a while, I just put up with the abuse and didn’t try to get out of going to his house, family events, taekwondo classes, or summer camps. Eventually though, I began to hint at how I didn’t want to go to class or to his house to stay the night. Or I’d make plans to hang out with friends in advance so I could have an excuse when asked. I remember my parents saying, “you made a commitment to finish out this summer camp or this round of classes,” or “the kids really want you to come over and play with them.” My mom told me now that she thought I was just trying to get out of practice or get out of my commitment to help him assistant teach. Or that the kids were just annoying me and that’s why I didn’t want to go over, but they loved me, and the family really benefitted from having me over. She had absolutely ZERO clue I was being abused. My parents responded like most parents would in my opinion. They wanted to teach me to follow through on my commitments. However, if they had known this sign, they may have known that something was very off. Again, I just want to reiterate that I do not put any blame on my parents for not knowing. They did what they thought was best. 

The last type of sign is emotional signs. This could be a change in eating habits, mood, personality, or interests. For example, if a child is suddenly aggressive, standoffish, or defensive. Or suddenly loses their drive for school, hanging out with friends, or working on a passion of theirs. A child could experience a drop in self-esteem, self-image, or confidence. They could feel overwhelming fear or worry for reasons that may not make sense to others. I experienced most of these signs after my abuse ended. I lost sense of my identity, had an incredibly low sense of self-worth and virtually no confidence. I developed severe anxiety which I still struggle with today. And in terms of eating habits, I developed an incredibly restrictive diet, coupled with overexercise and binge eating. I also struggled with stomach aches, which is another common sign of child abuse. As a child, I was constantly complaining about my stomach hurting and nothing would help it. My parents didn’t know what to do about it or why it was happening. Frequent headaches are another sign as well. If you notice a child having constant stomach aches or headaches, it may be a sign that you want to investigate further. Many survivors of child sexual abuse will battle with self-harming, which if noticed can obviously be a huge sign something is wrong. And lastly, nightmares or fear of being alone at night are another huge sign of child abuse. I developed post-traumatic stress disorder from being abused and struggled with nightmares for a long time. I’d climb into bed with my parents or sister and just say I had a bad dream without sharing any details. They have told me I was such a kicker when I slept, and I think one time I even punched one of my parents while sleeping. Sorry to whoever had to sleep in the same bed as me when I was younger haha. But in all seriousness, if your child is having frequent nightmares or doesn’t want to sleep alone, it may be a sign they are being abused. 

I know those are a lot of signs to internalize and remember over time, but the most important point is if you notice a child abruptly changing their behavior, experiencing unexplainable pain, or you have a gut feeling that something is off, investigate it further. Talk to them and let them know you are a safe person who they can tell anything to. I’ll go more into what to do if you suspect abuse in next week’s episode, so stay tuned! 

SIGNS OF A SEXUAL PREDATOR

So what I just covered are the signs that a child is being abused. Now I want to discuss signs of an adult harming a child. Child sexual perpetrators are incredibly manipulative and can look and act like everyone else. Between 90 and 95% of child sexual abuse survivors know and trust the person who abuses them which can make identifying them even more challenging. 30% of survivors of child sexual abuse are abused by a family member, 10% by strangers, and 60% by individuals the victim and commonly their family trusts. That 60% is made up of school teachers, sport coaches, religious members, daycare workers, and many other helping professionals. Most parents want to believe that adults who choose to work or volunteer at child-facing roles are good people who truly care about children and want to make a positive impact on their lives. And no one wants to believe a family member could harm one of their own. But the unfortunate fact of the matter is, there are sexual predators in those roles, so we all need to know the signs to spot them. One should be cautious of adults who spend time with children and show the following characteristics. If they disrespect boundaries or don’t acknowledge and honor when someone tells them “no,” like touching a child in any manner even after they or their caregiver express they shouldn’t be touching them. If an adult acts like a child’s friend rather than the adult role they should be fulfilling, like sharing information on their personal issues or relationships or gives them gifts for no reason or occasion, that could be a sign of a predator. The person who abused me gave me countless gifts. Actually, the last straw for me was when I was 13 and he gave me a blue painted rose along with the usual envelope of money he’d give me for helping him assistant teach while he confessed his love for me and explained how we’d get married one day. I shouldn’t have been getting paid so much for quote-on-quote assistant teaching. I was 9 to 13 years old, not helping much other than walking around and helping correct students’ technique and going to the front to demonstrate certain techniques. And I surely shouldn’t have been given a flower. He gave me many other gifts that I’ve blocked out of my memory and genuinely can’t remember, but I do remember the feeling I got each time. I was incredibly uncomfortable and very confused. Another sign of a potential predator is if an adult spends alone time with a child outside of their role in the child’s life and/or makes up excuses why they need to be alone with the child. For me, as I’ve mentioned, I would spend so many nights at my abuser’s home. I’d spend hours upon hours alone with him in the car, at his home, behind closed doors at my taekwondo studio, in hotel rooms, and even at his parent’s lake house. He would kick his kids out of the basement and tell his wife he needed to talk with me alone in the dark, dirty basement where only his kid’s rooms were. He’d tell my peers he needed to speak with me alone in the hotel room with them watching TV on the other side of the door. And he took me away from playing with his kids at the lake, telling his family members he needed to speak to me inside alone. Mind you literally every single one of his siblings and their families, his parents, his nieces and nephews, his wife, and kids were there and watched him take me away from everyone multiple times to talk to me alone inside while dressed in my bikini. One last sign of a potential sexual predator is if an adult comments on a child’s sexual development, such as commenting on a child going through puberty or just sexualizing them in general. There are several other signs, but these are some big ones that I found while researching. Just because an adult does one of these things doesn’t necessarily mean a child is being abused, but it does mean one should be cautious around that adult and ensure they are staying aware of their behaviors. 

The signs I covered in this episode are the most common signs of a child being abused and of a sexual predator, but they are not limited to these. But by knowing these common signs, one can be better prepared to investigate further if any of them come to fruition. Like I said at the beginning, my mom has told me so many times that she just wishes she knew the signs. My parents never could’ve imagined their child would be sexually abused and never even questioned the person who abused me. Sexual predators seem to act like everyone else, but if you know the signs I just went over, you will be better prepared to identify them. Now you know the signs, so you know what to look out for. Please share this episode with anyone you know who has children or is around children. Child sexual abuse is far more prevalent than society knows and the more people who are aware of the signs, the more children can be protected. Next week’s episode will be on what to do if you notice these signs as well strategies to help prevent abuse, so be sure you don’t miss it! Thank you so much for listening to this episode. I’d love to know your thoughts if you want to leave a review or DM me on Instagram! I hope you have a lovely rest of your day, and I’ll chat with you next week!