10 Common Misconceptions of Sexual Assault

It's April, meaning it's Sexual Assault Awareness Month and Child Abuse Prevention Month. This episode covers 10 common misconceptions or myths of sexual assault or abuse that everyone needs to know about so, as a society, we can correct misinformed comments, shift these misconceptions to the truth, prevent further abuse, and best support survivors.

Sources used to create this episode:
https://www.d2l.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/all_statistics_20150619.pdf
https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent
https://www.taalk.org/resources/signs-of-abuse/244-sexual-acts-between-minors
https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/Publications_NSVRC_Overview_False-Reporting.pdf 

Healing requires energy, vulnerability, and hard work. It’s a lifelong journey and it's never linear. Whatever season you're in on your healing journey, hold on to hope. <3

I hope you have a lovely rest of your day!
Love,
MacKenzie Mae


For help NOW!
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

For boys and men specifically: 1-800-656-4673

More resources here! https://linktr.ee/traumachatspodcast

Transcript

Hello fellow survivors and allies! It’s April and other than April being my birthday month, hahah it is also Sexual Assault Awareness Month as well as Child Abuse Prevention Month! As a survivor of child sexual abuse, this month is extremely important to me. It’s all about supporting survivors, spreading awareness on sexual abuse and assault as well as other child abuse, and educating ourselves and others on abuse and how to prevent it. Having this month dedicated to these topics is so important so survivors of sexual assault and child abuse feel recognized, seen, and supported. Additionally, everyone can increase their knowledge on these topics to understand them and better support survivors, as well as, hopefully prevent future sexual assault and abuse. However, these topics should be talked about every month and survivors should consistently be seen and supported, which is why I started this podcast! Especially for this month, please share this episode and this podcast in general to anyone you think would benefit from it, which I would say would be almost everyone! Also be sure to rate and review because that helps this podcast get pushed out to other listeners! Help me grow this community so more survivors can feel less alone, and so those who haven’t endured sexual abuse can become more educated. I really truly appreciate it! With that being said, I want to add a trigger warning now to let you know I will be discussing sexual abuse so listen at your own discretion. 

So, for this week’s episode of Trauma Chats, I will be chatting about 10 common misconceptions of sexual abuse. If everyone knew about these 10 misconceptions, so many survivors would have never endured abuse, their abuse may have ended much sooner, and others would better understand the facts and nuances of the impacts of sexual abuse to prevent abuse and compassionately support survivors. Myths surrounding child sexual abuse and sexual assault as an adult victim often overlap. I will be discussing common myths that pertain to one or both during this episode. The sources I used in creating this episode will be linked in the description in case you would like to research more on your own.

The legal definitions of abuse and assault vary from state to state, but in this episode, I’m using the terms interchangeably. In essence, any nonconsensual sexual act is sexual assault or abuse. Now let’s get into the 10 misconceptions of sexual abuse.

Starting off with a huge misconception of sexual predators. Many people think those who commit such horrible sex crimes are strangers in scary, dark alleys of rundown areas, and that it doesn’t happen in nice neighborhoods or by family, friends, coaches, priests, etc. Many people say, “oh that just doesn’t happen where I live,” or “that could never happen to my family.” Unfortunately, this misconception couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is, between 90% and 95% of children who are abused know their abuser, meaning only 10% of child sexual abuse is committed by strangers. Approximately 30% of child sexual abuse survivors were abused by a family member and the other 60% of them are abused by people the family trusts. In my experience, the person who sexually abused me was my taekwondo coach. He was well-known and highly trusted in the taekwondo community, not only in my local area, but around the United States. He built close relationships with most of the well-known coaches in Missouri and surrounding states and many coaches in further states through competing and coaching at national competitions. He presented himself as charismatic, kind, and selfless, looked and seemed to act like any other person, any other coach or family friend. He had a family, a wife, and 4 children, 3 of which were adopted from an unfit family member. He taught so many children and adults of all ages, and most people adored him. My parents saw him as a good friend and a great coach who was helping their daughter reach her dreams. I dreamt of being a taekwondo Olympian, and he was guiding me and opening opportunities for me to reach that dream. I spent countless days and hours with this man for 3 years. My parents trusted him to take care of me as I would be training with him 6 days a week, many days over an hour away from home, as well as traveling to various other states with him for competitions. I’d stay the night at his home weekly, go on family vacations to Disney World and Lake of the Ozarks, and his family would be invited over for Christmas at my home each year. Since he had 4 kids, he would make it come across as I wanted to spend time with them, rather than what his true intention was of abusing me each time I was in his presence. My parents had no idea though, because he used manipulative tactics to silence me and hide it from everyone around him, including my parents, to ensure he could continue to abuse. I hope from sharing the description of the man who abused me, you can gather that sexual perpetrators look and act like everyone else, and are oftentimes trusted and known by their victim and everyone around them. Abuse can happen anywhere. In wealthy neighborhoods, at church, at sport practices, schools, yes even the prestigious ones, and anywhere else you can imagine. In fact, child sexual abuse is more prevalent than most imagine it to be, and the public is not fully aware of the magnitude since so many cases go unreported. About 1 in 10 children will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday and from 58% to 72% of child sexual abuse survivors never disclose their abuse.

The 2nd misconception about sexual abuse I will be chatting about is the thought that only girls are sexually abused. The fact is, people of all genders, identities, shapes, and sizes are sexually abused, including women, men, non-binary, intellectually and physically disabled, LGBTQ+, white, non-white, and more. In terms of child sexual abuse, girls are 5 times more likely to be abused; the statistics are 1 in 7 girls will be sexually abused before the age of 18 whereas 1 in 25 boys will be abused before 18. But an interesting fact is that while 8% of children abused between the ages of 12 and 17 are boys, 26% of children abused under 12 are boys.  Research does not suggest that homosexual children are any more likely to be abused than heterosexual children. However, African American children have almost twice the risk of sexual abuse compared to white children and Hispanic children have a slightly higher risk than white children. And lastly, children in low socioeconomic households are 3 times more likely to be a victim of sexual abuse. Child sexual predators seek out children who are quiet, passive, troubled, lonely, and trusting, which poses a great threat to kids with intellectual and physical disabilities. These are only a few facts on the variety of individuals that are subject to child sexual abuse. There are a ton more statistics on this misconception, but I think you get the point that 1 not only girls are sexually abused as children, and in fact people of all genders, identities, races, etc can be subject to sexual abuse.

The 3rd misconception of sexual abuse is that only men who are pedophiles commit child sexual abuse, and they abuse all children they are around. Let’s break down this misconception. First off, the majority of sexual perpetrators do happen to be male, but they are not only male. People of all genders, ethnicities, and ages commit sexual abuse of children. Secondly, there are two types of child sexual abusers: situational offenders and pedophilic offenders. Situational offenders typically offend in times of stress, begin offending much later in life, and have fewer victims than pedophilic offenders. Their victims are commonly family members, and they tend to prefer adult partners over children. Pedophilic offenders tend to offend early in life, have many victims, frequently who are not family members. Several child sexual abusers will offend while also having intimate sexual relations with adults. And lastly, child sexual abusers do not abuse every child they are in contact with. Pedophilic offenders tend to have occupations or be a part of organizations with many children, so there’s no way they can abuse every child. Additionally, they strategically choose their victims to ensure they won’t get caught; they choose vulnerable children who are passive, quiet, and particularly trusting. In my experience, I was the perfect victim for the person who abused me. I was an extremely trusting, passive, and quiet little girl and I would have done anything to be the best at taekwondo. I was also in a sport where respect was number 1 and especially for adults and higher-ranking individuals. The person who abused me was a 3rd degree black belt instructor who was highly trusted and adored, so of course I showed him the utmost respect. I also trained with several other young children, most of which were not passive, quiet, or trusting. They say they were never abused, which makes sense because they may have told his awful secret so they weren’t victims he would go after. Child sexual abusers strategically choose their victims, assessing not only their behavior, but their family’s behavior to determine whether they will be able to manipulate the victim and their family to not get caught. For those who abuse their own family members, they choose victims with the same characteristics of passive, quiet, and trusting, and typically have an even easier time manipulating those closest to their victim since they are part of that family. Commonly, when a child discloses abuse and is part of a youth organization, parents of other kids who were not abused will exclaim how ridiculous such an accusation is because they had only ever seen the good side of the perpetrator. Their child may have had the best experience with the person being accused, so they think there’s no way the victim is telling the truth. However, like I just covered, child sexual abusers aren’t going to abuse every child they come into contact with. Doing so, would blow their cover. They manipulate everyone around them, not just their victims and their victim’s families, but also the families of children they don’t abuse. They show them their absolute best side, so if any accusations arise, they will back them up every time. 

The 4th misconception of sexual abuse is one that I can almost guarantee everyone has heard at least once. The myth that how someone presents themselves, how they dress, do their makeup or hair, or their actions through potentially flirtatious behavior are what cause sexual abuse or assault. Oftentimes, statements like, “they were asking for it by wearing such revealing clothing,” or “they were flirting with their boss to get promoted. Obviously, they wanted a sexual advance,” are thrown around. These are victim blaming statements. The reality is sexual abuse or sexual assault occurs when someone makes a deliberate decision to make a sexual advance on another person without receiving consent. Key words, WITHOUT CONSENT. It’s not about what someone was wearing, if they flirted, whatever. If they did not give consent for a sexual encounter, then it is sexual assault. To be clear, let’s define consent real quick. According to RAINN, the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network, consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. It’s CLEARLY communicated and cannot be given by a minor, someone who is intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or someone asleep or unconscious. Although each state sets their own minimum age of consent, in general you should know that children cannot give consent to any sexual activity with adults. Of course, this can be confusing if we’re talking about two minors engaging in sexual intimacy. Sexual interaction is normal for child exploration, but it must be between two children of similar ages, is spontaneous, not intended to be secret or purposefully in private, and doesn’t cause fear, shame, or guilt. If there are power differences between the two minors such as age, size, emotional maturity, or force, threats, bribes, or insisted secrecy is involved, then it is considered sexual assault. In fact, over 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by other children. The other 60% of children who are sexually abused are by adults, which is always clear on consent not being able to be given. For adults who are sexually assaulted, whether they were wearing promiscuous clothing or not, or even if they flirted, IT DOES NOT MATTER, because if they didn’t give their clear consent then it’s automatically sexual assault. Many, many people wearing the most modest clothing will still be sexually assaulted. And just because someone flirts with someone else, does not mean they want to be sexual.  

The 5th misconception is that sexual abuse didn’t occur if a survivor waited to report, whether it be a week, a month, a year, a decade, or longer. There are a multitude of barriers that deter survivors from disclosing sexual abuse or cause them to delay it. For child sexual abuse survivors, the average age of disclosure is 52 years old. And even then, like I said before only 58% to 72% of child sexual abuse survivors ever disclose. Many survivors feel ashamed of what they endured and don’t want anyone to know. Some think the abuse was their fault or that they could’ve prevented it. And some just don’t think anyone will believe them if they did disclose. Additionally, perpetrators are often extremely manipulative, demand the abuse be kept a secret and threaten their victim’s safety or their family’s safety if they tell anyone. 90% to 95% of child sexual abuse survivors know the person who abused them and often love and trust them, commonly causing them to not want the abuser to be punished or to not even know what they endured was abuse until years later. I made a whole episode on the difficulties of disclosing abuse that covers all of this and way more if you want to learn more on this topic. But the fact of the matter is, it is extremely hard to report sexual abuse or assault and there are countless reasons as to why, so just because someone waited to report or never reports at all, doesn’t mean the abuse or assault didn’t happen. 

The 6th misconception is that if a survivor can’t recall every detail of a sexual assault or abuse in chronological order, then they’re lying. This is a common statement for defense attorneys or perpetrators. Oftentimes, survivors have difficulty recalling not just the abuse, but even happy memories when the abuse was happening and after the fact due to how trauma impacts a person’s brain development. During such a traumatic experience, humans enter survival mode, fight flight freeze or fawn. In those moments, they are instinctually behaving in a way to survive. How these trauma responses present themselves vary from person to person. Many people tend to dissociate, meaning their minds leave their bodies, like they are just watching from a distance what is happening to them rather than feeling like they are the person it’s happening to. This can cause their memory to be impacted because their mind was just trying to take themselves out of the situation, not focusing on the details, and just trying to get though whatever was happening as quickly as possible. Dissociation happens during a traumatic experience and can linger for years afterwards at any time, impacting their ability to remember things through their lives as they struggle with dissociation. A lot of people who experience traumatic experiences have immense anxiety and panic attacks. During anxious episodes, one isn’t focusing on the details of the moment. They are in their heads, thoughts spiraling, just trying to catch their breath, and not pass out. They aren’t thinking about where they’re at, what they’re wearing, what they were just doing, they are trying to get through the moment. So during those instances, they can struggle to remember a lot of the details. Additionally, many survivors don’t want to remember their traumatic experiences. In order to survive, they might block out certain memories, completely forget them because they cause too much pain to remember. When survivors choose or are forced to recount their abuse, they typically do so over several instances, they may only feel comfortable or safe sharing part of their experience at one point and be open to sharing more the next time. They may remember different details over time as the memories come back to them. Or as they heal, they may even be able to let go of memories they don’t want to hold onto anymore and at some point, just not remember the details. Trauma impacts a survivor’s memory for various reasons, so it’s extremely common for survivors to not remember details of their experience or to even mix their memories up, changing the order, or just remembering something different that they repeatedly told themselves to survive. 

The 7th misconception about sexual abuse is that survivors lie about sexual assault or abuse for attention or to get revenge. Many times, people to hear of a sexual abuse accusation and immediately start defending the perpetrator, either because they just can’t believe the person being accused could do such a thing or they don’t want to believe it. So instead, they victim blame and try to think of any excuse as to why the person being accused is innocent, one excuse being that the victim wants attention or to get revenge. In reality, false accusations are extremely rare. Only 4-8% of child sexual abuse reports are falsified which are commonly made by adults in custody disputes. And for sexual violence reports in general, from 2-10% are classified as false reports. The data around false accusations is most likely inflated as well due to the inconsistencies of criminal definitions around sexual assault and a weak understanding of it. But regardless, less than 10% of sexual abuse reports are found to be falsified, which means more than 90% of accusations are true. So, assuming that many survivors lie about sexual abuse for attention or to get revenge is incredibly uncalled for and shows a weak understanding of sexual assault. This assumption is extremely harmful for a survivor’s wellbeing. It deters many survivors from reporting their abuse because they believe others won’t believe them and will say they’re lying. Just another barrier that causes so many survivors to never disclose their abuse, receive justice, or have a better chance at healing. If a survivor does choose to disclose their abuse, which the majority of survivors choose not to, and receive comments of this nature, it can retraumatize them, exacerbate the harm they’ve already experienced, and cause them to struggle much more than they already were. Assume accusations are true every time and over 90% of the time, you’ll be right. Just getting to the point of reporting is a massive battle. Survivors don’t need to be beaten down all over again. Always believe survivors.

The 8th misconception is that survivors must act a certain way after being sexually assaulted or abused. For example, they must be depressed, hysterical, and sad. Every survivor responds to sexual assault or abuse differently. There is no quote on quote “right” way to act after such an experience. Most survivors will struggle with some type of emotional or mental health problem, such as posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety, depression, disordered eating, or more. All of these problems can present themselves in different ways. In my experience, I became an absolute perfectionist with extreme anxiety, PTSD, and disordered eating. On the outside, I looked like any other young girl, I presented the most polished version of myself to seem like everything was great, but behind closed doors I was suffering. For me, only very close individuals were able to see the parts of me that were struggling. This is the case for many survivors. You never truly know what someone is going through and what they are just presenting to you. Some survivors could present their struggles more publicly, such as committing crime, or engaging in risky behaviors. Child sexual abuse has been linked to higher levels of risky behavior such as substance abuse or dependence, delinquency, crime, and teen pregnancy. Survivors can also experience sexual aversion, meaning they avoid sexual encounters or have low sexual desire or they can respond with other end of the spectrum, hypersexuality, meaning they are compulsively sexual, have an obsession with sexual thoughts, urges, or behaviors, and may dress more promiscuously, which negatively impact aspects of their life. As you can gather, survivors all respond differently, so saying a survivor must act a certain way after being sexually abused or assaulted is just not true. 

The 9th misconception of sexual abuse is if the victim didn’t say “no” or struggle, then it’s not sexual assault or abuse because it must’ve been consensual. Nope, that’s not it. Consent, consent, consent. I went over consent before, but to reiterate, consent is a mutual agreement to engage in sexual acts that is clearly communicated. Key word, CLEARLY. The word “no” doesn’t need to be verbalized to indicate that someone does not want to engage in a sexual act. Consent must be enthusiastically yes, but the word yes doesn’t necessarily have to be said either. One should be consistently checking in with whoever they are engaging in a sexual act with, asking questions like, “is this okay?,” or “do you want to do this?” Receiving a response like “I’m open to trying” or even non-verbal ques like smiling, nodding, maintaining eye-contact, then that can be considered consent even though the word “yes” wasn’t explicitly used. Something to keep in mind as well is bodily reactions that are involuntary such as erection or arousal are NOT considered consent because the body can react that way even if they didn’t want it to. Again, minors, people are are intoxicated by drugs or alcohol or asleep or unconscious cannot give consent. If an enthusiastic yes or a similar interaction as I described is NOT present, then it is sexual assault. PERIOD. There is more nuance to not saying “no” or struggling as well. When someone is being sexually abused or assaulted, they tend to go into survival mode, fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. This is an instinctual survival mechanism to help us survive. The fight response could involve saying no and struggling or fighting to get away, but not necessarily. The flight response could involve trying to run away, but maybe not verbalizing the words no. The freeze response would be more applicable in this case, because with that response, the victim freezes, doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move, is basically paralyzed, waiting in agony for it to just end. And the last response, the fawn response, would also be applicable because in this case, the victim will do anything to make the assault end and restore peace, do whatever the perpetrator wants to get out of the situation. This could mean the victim doesn’t resist, they say or do things the perpetrator wants to not escalate the situation and in hopes it will end sooner. Like I said, these survival responses are instinctual, all humans encounter these responses when feeling threatened. We can strongly respond with one or it could be a combination, and we mostly likely won’t know which one we will respond with until presented with a threating or dangerous situation. So on top of consent not being clearly communicated in the first place, sometimes, especially if a victim has a freeze or fawn survival response, they won’t even try to resist or may not feel physically able to, being paralyzed by their body’s survival response. This means even if a victim doesn’t say the word “no” or struggle, they were still assaulted if they didn’t give consent. 

And lastly, the 10th misconception of sexual abuse is that all perpetrators go to prison once they are reported. Unfortunately, only 25 out of every 1000 perpetrators go to prison for sexual violence for various reasons. One being because sexual abuse and assault are very hard to prove legally. Many sexual assaults go unreported because of reasons I’ve mentioned throughout this episode. And commonly survivors hate the thought of being put through the justice system, having to potentially face the person who abused them, relive their traumatic experiences, etc. In my experience, my parents and I thought for sure the man who abused me would be locked up, but we were very uneducated on the process for conviction. I was only 13 when I disclosed, I was horribly traumatized, and wanted nothing to do with anything related to my abuse. I even refused therapy because I wasn’t ready to talk about it, so I for sure wasn’t ready to talk about it in court or potentially face my abuser again. Plus, I had to live my life, go to school, and still try to be a normal kid. My mom tried her hardest to get justice, but over and over again was beaten down. Therefore, the man who abused me is still free, hasn’t faced anything legally other than a restraining order against him until I was 18, and has his own taekwondo studio where he still teaches young kids. Unfortunately, it’s very difficult for sexual predators to be arrested and sent to prison. However, I do believe it’s incredibly important to seek justice if the survivor is able to. Now there are more laws in place that attempt to make the process less traumatizing for the survivor. And many states have been lifting the statute of limitations so they can seek justice years after they endured the abuse when they are ready. There’s so much more I could go into on the justice system and sexual abuse cases, but I really want to create a whole episode on that, so I’ll just leave you with these points. I did want to include this misconception though because it can be incredibly discouraging to report sexual abuse and believe the perpetrator will automatically go to prison, then find out there are a multitude of steps to get to that conclusion. 

With that, I have covered 10 misconceptions of sexual abuse that I believe must be known. We all must educate ourselves on the facts of sexual abuse and assault. As survivors, we need to understand these in order to heal, take blame off ourselves, feel valid, and less alone. For everyone, we need to know these in order to better support survivors, correct misinformed comments, prevent further assault and abuse, and help shift these misconceptions to reveal the truths. Thank you so so much for taking the time to listen to today’s episode. Please share this episode with everyone you know. Sexual assault and abuse are far more prevalent than society thinks it is. We all need to be educated on this so we can bring it to an end. Also, it would mean the world to me if you left a rate and review. It really helps out the podcast and pushes these episodes to others. I hope you are having a lovely day and continue to! I’ll chat with you next week!