4 Reasons to Fall in Love with Your Imperfections

Perfectionism is holding you back!

Listen to this episode to debunk perfectionism and learn how to fall in love with your imperfections instead of being ashamed of them. By internalizing these 4 insights, you will be able to let go of perfectionist tendencies and live a more peaceful life without the burden of attempting to reach the impossible.

Perfectionism quiz! https://www.idrlabs.com/multidimensional-perfectionism/test.php
NBC Article featuring me! https://www.nbcnews.com/news/sports/re-banned-olympic-sports-are-coaching-children-rcna25623
Hewitt and Flett research: https://hewittlab.psych.ubc.ca/news/

Healing requires energy, vulnerability, and hard work. It’s a lifelong journey and it's never linear. Whatever season you're in on your healing journey, hold on to hope. <3

I hope you have a lovely rest of your day!
Love,
MacKenzie Mae


For help NOW!
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

For boys and men specifically: 1-800-656-4673

More resources here! https://linktr.ee/traumachatspodcast

Transcript

Hello fellow survivors and allies! Welcome to Trauma Chats with me your host, MacKenzie Mae! I hope everyone’s day has been lovely so far. I’m super excited for today’s episode because it’s something that I’ve battled with for it seems like my whole life and I’ve really been dialing in to understanding why I’ve struggled with it so much and how I can reframe my mindset around it to move forward and heal from feeling this burden. I’m talking about perfectionism. Ask anyone who knows me well, since I can remember, I have been described as a perfectionist. Some aspects of this part of my personality have brought me far in life, but it has also held me back from opportunities and caused me a lot of unnecessary stress, anxiety, and pain. I’m at a point in my healing journey where I am committed to learning how to let go of my perfectionist tendencies. I am in the process of creating new neural pathways in my brain by reframing my mindset around those unrealistic perfectionist expectations to embracing my imperfections and leveraging them to welcome new opportunities, embody self-compassion, and step into the most authentic version of myself. So, in today’s episode, I’m going to share with you what I’ve learned so far about perfectionism, my experience with it, and 4 ways I’m reframing my mind set to fall in love with my imperfections instead of feeling ashamed of them. 

Before we get started, I want to share an incredibly thoughtful review I received on apple podcast. Nicky_Eman said, “MacKenzie's ability to tackle heavy topics with such a hopeful and inspiring tone is truly remarkable! She shares so many useful tools for coping with trauma and delivers her message in such an empowering way! I highly suggest you read the NBC article on her... it really highlights her courage and speaks volumes to her overall character. Looking forward to following this journey!” I just want to say a huge thank you to you Nicky. I’m filled with gratitude reading this review, and it truly warms my heart to know I am helping others find growth and healing. For anyone listening, if you’d like to check out the NBC article, the link is in the episode description. I mentioned the story of that article in my first episode, so be sure to go listen to that if you haven’t already, but being interviewed by NBC truly inspired this podcast. And I just want to say, when opportunities come your way, if you feel in your gut you need to take that opportunity, DO IT. Even if it’s scary, you’ll be thanking yourself in the future because it might just evolve you into your next highest self. I’m speaking from experience here. I couldn’t be more grateful for that NBC opportunity because now look at me, I’m living my truth and seeking to help others along the way. 

Okay, enough about that. I could go on and on about my gratitude, but yall are here to learn about how to love your imperfections so let’s get right into it! Trigger warning, I will be talking about eating disorders, body image, sexual abuse, and suicidal behavior.

Let’s begin by educating ourselves a little bit. I like to start my episodes with foundational information to build an understanding. When I understand something, understand the WHY, it helps me take a more objective perspective to realize, hey what I’m feeling or experiencing has a name, it’s been studied, I’m not alone in feeling this way, and I can work with this information to get me to where I want to be. So anyways, let’s define perfectionism. Dr. Paul Hewitt and Dr. Gordon Flett who have been studying perfectionism for over 20 years define perfectionism as the tendency to demand or require perfection for oneself or others as an attempt to gain acceptance and avoid rejection or abandonment. In other words, having flawless expectations of oneself or of others and feeling strong negative emotions when those expectations aren’t met. Hewitt and Flett describe perfectionism as being a personality trait that is commonly linked to anxiety, depression, personality disorders, suicidal behavior, eating disorders, and relationship and achievement difficulties. So, knowing this, it makes sense that many survivors of sexual abuse or other traumas have perfectionist tendencies since many of the impacts from traumatic experiences include mental illnesses, eating disorders, and relationship struggles. There are three recognized types of perfectionism: self-oriented, other-oriented, and socially imposed perfectionism. Self-oriented is when one is internally motivated to achieve perfection, other-oriented is when one expects others to achieve perfection, and socially imposed perfection is when one believes their worth or value is dependent on others perceiving them as perfect. I didn’t know this about perfectionism until I started researching for this episode, so this has been super interesting to learn! I actually found a quiz called a multidimensional perfectionism test that uses Hewitt and Flett’s research to show your level of each type of perfectionism. I found that I have varying levels of each type, but mainly self-oriented and socially imposed. I linked it in the episode description if you want to try it out! I do want to mention though that just because you score whatever on this quiz doesn’t mean your doomed to be that type of perfectionist forever. Like I’ve chatted about a lot in past episodes, our brains are adaptable. We can rewire the neural pathways that are supporting these perfectionist tendencies and create new ones that are more compassionate and realistic. I’ll be giving you reframes to do just that later in this episode, but first let’s dive deeper into how perfectionism manifests and what it can look and feel like. 

According to Hewitt and Flett, perfectionism typically starts to manifest in early stages of life or through life-changing, traumatic experiences as a defense mechanism to feel valued, worthy, to fit in or belong, or to be accepted. Like I mentioned before, it accompanies many mental illnesses, eating disorders, and relationship struggles where one was made to feel not good enough, unworthy, unsafe. Perfectionism is multidimensional and extremely complex to determine the root cause of, but if not addressed, over time, perfectionistic mindsets strengthen, as those neural pathways are repeatedly taken. Survivors of trauma commonly struggle with perfectionism due to existing in unsafe environments where they experienced abusive, distrustful relationships, and developing unhealthy coping mechanisms as well as being subject to their own survival instincts which perpetuate self-doubt, low self-esteem and self-worth, engagement in further unhealthy relationships, or the development of eating disorders and substance abuse. Perfectionism can look and feel different for every individual. Commonly, it manifests as presenting oneself as perfect to others or themselves, attempting to conceal any behaviors they perceive as imperfect. This can make one feel incredibly isolated since they’re unable to show others their authentic self or be honest with themselves, worsen eating disorders, lead to extreme fear and anxiety of making mistakes or failing, have people pleasing tendencies, and feel a constant, overwhelming pressure to reach unattainable expectations. Eating disorders can develop from an attempt to alter one’s body to fit into their perceived perfect mold or maybe as a way feel in control of themselves, their mind, trying to achieve perfect self-discipline, or prove to themselves that they are perfectly in control. Socially imposed perfectionists are typically people pleasers, who will do anything to please other people whether they know them or not, even at the expense of their own well-being. Anxiety and depression worsen due to perfectionists simply being unable to reach the expectations they put on themselves or the expectations they feel like others are imposing onto them. Imagine hyper analyzing your every move, everything you say, everything you do, everything you eat, how you respond to others, how you move through the world, and if you determine any one flaw in your whole being, you spiral into a deep cycle of harsh self-critical and judgmental thoughts telling yourself you’re not good enough, you’re not worthy of love, nobody likes you, you’re a massive failure, and a waste of space. In order to live with yourself and not experience such horrible inner dialogue, you anxiously tip toe around life, hyper fixated on every little aspect of yourself, doing anything to please others and appear perfect so they will accept you. That’s what my experience has been with perfectionism, and I’d guess that at least one other person can relate. Perfectionism isn’t just striving to achieve. Striving to achieve is completely different from one’s feeling of self-worth plummeting if they don’t achieve what they’re expecting of themself. It’s different than someone manufacturing their whole life around hiding their perceived faults, constantly overwhelmed with anxiety because although they impose such unattainable expectations on themselves, they know deep down they will never reach them, so they will always feel like they are not enough because they will never live up to those expectations. Striving to achieve is different than isolating oneself in a depressive episode after falling short of their expectations and feeling like the world’s biggest failure. Perfectionism leads to chronic stress, headaches, insomnia, burnout, relationship problems, and more. It may seem counterintuitive, but many perfectionists struggle with procrastination. No matter what perfectionists do, it won’t ever be good enough, because their expectations will never be achieved, and so they struggle even getting started because mentally they’ve already failed. In episode 2 on navigating anxiety, panic attacks, and triggers, I chatted about my educational perfectionism and how I’d procrastinate so much on writing essays due to having panic attack after panic attack fearing that what I wrote wouldn’t be good enough. It’s definitely counterintuitive because by not doing it until the last minute, I’m not able to put the time and effort needed to write a good essay and added onto that is the completely unnecessary stress and pressure I would put on myself. Perfectionism is also a way of controlling the way others perceive you. In last week’s episode on enablers and bystanders, I chatted about how I used perfectionism to fight against what enablers of my abuse demonstrated about me, their inaction or support of the person who abused me showed that I wasn’t worthy of love, care or protection, that my words were not believed or valued, and that I couldn’t trust people because when I did, they abandoned me. So in order to feel valuable or worthy of love and protection, I had to be flawless or else the enablers would be right, and everyone around me would feel and act the same way they did about me. Perfectionism was my way of feeling in control of how others perceived me. My thought was if I was perfect, then I would be likable and in return I would receive their acceptance. For me, it was part of my trauma response. If I was perfect, I would be safe from abuse, abandonment, and betrayal, because I would meet the expectations of others meaning they would like and accept me. I felt I HAD to meet those expectations, or I would certainly be abandoned and betrayed again. Perfectionism causes people to embody self-hatred, perpetually feeling like no matter what they do or how hard they try to act like they don’t struggle with the impacts of their trauma, attempt to hide and ignore their mental illnesses, beat themselves up to achieve exceptional grades, make countless friends to seem perfectly popular, unhealthily alter their bodies to attain society’s version of a perfect body, say yes to everything anyone asks them to show them their value, or pretend they’re okay when they’re not, they will still feel deep down that they’re not good enough, always reaching for a reality that is unattainable, simply not real. It’s like running on a hamster wheel, going around and around, and always ending up where you started, never ever feeling good enough, because it’s absolutely impossible to reach perfection. At some point, something’s gotta give.

I have come to a point in my healing journey where I’m over it. I’m over trying to reach unattainable expectations that I’ve made up for myself. I’m over trying to reach expectations of others or my perceived expectations of others. These expectations I’ve tried so hard to reach my whole life have stemmed from me internalizing that I am not inherently worthy or valuable, and to be worthy or valuable, I must fit within a mold that I perceived as perfect. But the truth is, every human is worthy of love and respect. That is the absolute minimum that every human deserves. You do not have to achieve exceptional grades, be wealthy, have a certain body type, or pretend like you never struggle to have value. You are inherently worthy and valuable just by existing. All the unrealistic expectations that we perfectionists put on ourselves are made up. For survivors, perfectionist tendencies are how we learned to cope with the trauma we endured, an attempt to keep up safe, feel loved, protected, and cared for. The intention behind perfectionism for us was to help us survive, but like I’ve said before, we’re not just trying to survive anymore, we’re trying to heal and thrive. So we must show that perfectionist side of us compassion and gratitude to thank it for how it helped us get to where we are today. And then let it go, because it just isn’t serving us anymore. We must evolve our mindsets by reframing our perception of perfect and begin to fall in love with our imperfections. 

I’m going to give you 4 reasons why you should fall in love with your imperfections. These 4 insights are going to help you create new neural pathways in your brain by reframing your perception of perfect to embrace your imperfections. 

The first reason you should fall in love with your imperfections is because by being imperfect, you are perfectly human. Humans are inherently imperfect. We make mistakes. We fail. But the beautiful part about being human is our ability to transform or evolve into a better human by leaning into those mistakes and failures and learning from them. Perfectionists must come to terms with the absolute fact that perfection is NOT attainable for humans. You will never reach it and you must accept that. Internalize that you will never reach perfection and expect yourself to make mistakes, expect yourself to fail, and establish your OWN definition of worthiness and value, instead of letting the people around you or society establish it for you. Embrace your imperfections. Work with what you have, not against it. Dig deep and decide whether it’s really worth beating yourself up over failing an exam, whether it’s really worth allowing someone else’s perception of value make you hate yourself, whether it’s really worth pretending to be someone you’re not. Let go of the fear of mistakes or failure or not living up to others’ expectations, because every single person makes mistakes, fails, and doesn’t live up to everyone’s desires. Instead of being afraid of the inevitable, view them as lessons to learn from, opportunities to evolve and become a better you. Mistakes and failures are pivoting moments that provide a clear understanding of what you can improve upon or where your perspectives or mindsets could use some shifting. They are catalysts for growth and transformation. Mistakes and failure are truly gifts of life that nudge you to evolve into your next best self. By being imperfect, you are perfectly human.

The second reason you should fall in love with your imperfections is because they get you to where you’re going. As I just mentioned, mistakes and failure offer insights into one’s next bout of growth and transformation. That’s true for literally anything you do in life. Everything you experience will be the pre-requisite to your next experience. Every version of yourself you’ve ever been is still within you, only you have built upon that self to become who you are today. Winston Churchill once said, perfection is the enemy of progress. To make any progress, you must take imperfect action! No one has become a master at anything without failure along the way. You don’t know what you don’t know so the only way to find out is by trying which is going to come with imperfect action. That has been my mantra for the last few months, especially with creating this podcast. If I waited to start this podcast until I felt that I was perfectly prepared, I would’ve never started. Progress means you’re learning, growing, and moving forward and you can’t do that without making mistakes, reflecting on those mistakes, and learning from them to do better the next time! It's about the intention behind action, not about it being perfect. For survivors of traumatic experiences, we have been forced into attempting to survive our trauma and the impacts it came with. Our intentions have always been to survive, so if we chose an unhealthy coping mechanism, we know the intentions weren’t to intentionally hurt ourselves more, they were just the way we coped. We can find gratitude for those versions of us who had to do what they had to do to survive because they brought us to where we are today. We don’t have to beat ourselves up about developing an eating disorder, getting into unhealthy relationships, struggling with substance abuse, or having self-hatred, because we were doing what we thought we needed to do to survive and that is NOT our fault. That is not an imperfection. It is resilience, and once we know how to cope and heal in a healthy way, we can pivot away from unhealthy coping mechanisms we developed and replace them with new ones that serve us. The journey to heal is not linear, you will go 1 step forward and 3 steps back. You will fall back into old patterns. You will make mistakes. But those mistakes or imperfections of your healing journey are worth it because by taking imperfect action, you are still overall moving forward. 

The third reason you should fall in love with your imperfections is because they are only imperfections if you perceive them as imperfect. They are subjective. Imperfections are merely perceptions of life, success, fulfillment that one believes to be flawed, but what and who determines the quote on quote perfect way of life, success, or reaching fulfillment? Everyone has different opinions, different likes and dislikes. So who’s to say one body type is perfect and another isn’t? or one job is better than another? Who’s to say that wealth is what constitutes a perfect life? What if someone just wants to exist, experience all the human experiences they can, and is comfortable pursing that while living paycheck to paycheck? Who’s to say getting married and having kids is the only way to live a perfect life? Who’s to say you’re a failure if you don’t go to college or get straight As? The fact of the matter is, YOU get to decide what you perceive as perfect or imperfect. And in fact, I don’t even like saying perfect, because there truly is no such thing. So we’ll say ideal. YOU get to decide what ideal means to you. For a long time, I perceived getting straight A’s in high school then going to college and earning a degree with potential to land a job that pays well was THE expected, perfect path. So in high school, I would stress myself to the max to get straight A’s which caused several panic attacks, physical pain, and pressure. I remember the exact moment I found out I got an 89% in my AP Language class. It was my only B in high school ever and the grades were posted while I was at a friend’s sleepover. I looked at the 89% and immediately started bawling my eyes out in front of all my friends thinking about how much of a failure I was. News flash, it literally didn’t affect my educational opportunities AT ALL. But anyways, I got into college and had NO CLUE what I wanted to do. I had thought a lot about getting a phycology degree, but was told many times how I wouldn’t make enough money doing that and I’d be in school forever, so I threw that idea out the window. The only other option I could think of was something that involved science and math because I was good at it. Didn’t have any passion for it, but I’d excel regardless. So I went to school for chemical engineering because that’s what was going to make me money. That’s what would make others perceive me as perfect because good grades, college, and a high paying job meant I would meet the expectations of people in my life and society. I made all those decisions in an attempt to appear perfect and meet the expectations I thought others and society at large expected of me. I disliked my college classes, had no passion for chemical engineering, and felt incredibly lost throughout the whole journey. And now I often wish I could go back and do what I wanted to do, not what I thought I had to do. I do want to say though, that I’ve chosen to take the optimistic perspective and acknowledge that I am grateful for pursing my degree because I’m proud of what I accomplished, and it truly has gotten me to where I am today. But what I’m trying to say is don’t chase the expectations you believe others have of you. They might not even have those expectations. You can’t be sure unless they explicitly tell you. And even if they do tell you, it is YOUR life, not theirs! You are the one that is going to have to live with the decisions you make, so make the decisions for yourself, not for anyone else. This is easier said than done for sure, because this means you have to choose yourself. You have to be your own best friend, embody self-compassion, and be there for yourself. By making your own decisions, you’re going to have to live with the inevitable mistakes you make and you’re not going to have anyone else to blame your mistakes on. You won’t be able to say, well I only chose this degree because society made me. You’ll have to take accountability for yourself, own up to your mistakes, and learn from failures that you WILL encounter. There is no way around it. This can be applied to many other aspects. For example, if you want to change the way your body looks, do it FOR YOU, not because you are trying to reach any perceived perfect body. If something feeds your soul, makes you feel alive, then do it. Don’t hold yourself back by attempting to fit into a mold you perceive as perfect or you believe others expect of you. Take imperfect action that feels right for you and see the amazing opportunities that flood your way. 

The fourth reason you should fall in love with your imperfections is because they make you who you are!! You are a one-of-a-kind, unique, special, beautiful being! Your imperfections are part of your incredible, authentic self. Without them, you wouldn’t be you! You’ve probably heard something like what I’m about to say, but it’s so true and that is.. if everyone on earth was the exact same, life would be soooooooo borrrringggg. Like seriously, wouldn’t that be awful? I wanna see your funky style, I wanna hear all about your unique passions, I want to connect on a deeper level with you by relating on our past experiences. Embody self-compassion because you are the only being that has been there every moment since you were born and will be there every moment until you pass. So with that, your perception of yourself is the ONLY perception that truly matters. Through embracing your imperfections, your authentic self, you will attract what your perfectionist side was intending to attract whether it be a feeling of belonging, love, care, protection, or value. Your value and the love, respect, and care you deserve is not defined by how you look, what you do, or pleasing every person you cross paths with. Existing is what warrants you to deserve love, respect, and care. When it comes to being a survivor, I have often perceived my mind itself as one of my greatest imperfections because of how it’s been impacted by the trauma I’ve endured. Recently, my loving partner who I am deeply grateful for helped me reframe this thought. He told me that by experiencing what I’ve experienced, I have a unique ability to empathize and relate with pain and suffering on such a deep level and that my resiliency and courage to heal has become one of my greatest assets. Obviously, I never wanted to be abused or forced to heal from trauma, but I am grateful that I can use my experiences to help others feel less alone and find the courage to heal themselves. I’ve been able to reframe my destructive thoughts around the struggles I’ve gone through into a passion to help others who have gone through similar experiences. You can look at everything you perceive as an imperfection and find a way to reframe it to unveil how it actually benefits you. Let go of what you THINK others perceive. 1. You have no idea what others are thinking, unless they blatantly tell you. And 2. If they blatantly tell you something they perceive as imperfect, then that is their OWN projection. It is not personal, it is something they perceive as imperfect. Their perception is not fact. Again imperfections are subjective. Everyone will have a different opinion, so there is NO WAY you can please everyone. It is impossible! What you must focus on is your OWN perceptions. That is the only perception you can control. You cannot control others thoughts, opinions, actions, etc. All you can control is your own. Many perfectionists have been brainwashed with everyone else’s perceptions but haven’t taken the time to decipher their own. The way to rewire your brain to let go of perfectionism is you must analyze and break down any expectations you have, decide whether you align with them and want to pursue them or if you don’t and need to let them go. Reimagine what ideal means to you. It is ideal that you destroy your mental health and avoid social interaction because you have acne and society has deemed acne as an imperfection? Or it is ideal that you embrace the way your skin looks, show yourself compassion, and exude confidence to make others who have acne feel empowered to be confident as well? If you struggle with perfectionism or trying to reach unrealistic expectations, I have a little journal prompt for you. Write down an expectation you believe you must achieve. Then write down where you think that expectation came from, was it society, your parents, your peers, yourself? Be honest. Then write down what will you gain and what will you lose by seeking this expectation, kind of like a pros/cons list. After that write down if you TRULY align with that expectation. And lastly, is it worth it? Do the pros outweigh the cons? Do you gain more than you lose from trying to reach that expectation. 

Embrace your imperfections, fall in love with them, because they make you who you are, they get you to where you’re going, they make you human, and because at the end of the day, they’re only imperfections if you perceive them as so. By internalizing these 4 insights, you will be able to let go of perfectionist tendencies and live a more peaceful life without the burden of attempting to reach the impossible.

And with that, this episode has come to a wrap. Hey that rhymed. Haha I know your time is valuable and I am truly grateful you spent it listening to this episode. I’d love to hear your thoughts on today’s topic so please reach out on Instagram at traumachats podcast or leave a review letting me know! Thanks again, and I will chat with you next week!