Rewire Your Brain with Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is a superpower that builds emotional resiliency and psychological well-being. It's not easy to embody; it requires time and commitment to break down shameful, negative thought patterns and create new, compassionate neural pathways in your brain. 

In this episode, you will learn realistic practices to rewire your brain with self-compassion and understand the demanding, yet incredibly rewarding process it requires. 

Healing requires energy, vulnerability, and hard work. It’s a lifelong journey and it's never linear. Whatever season you're in on your healing journey, hold on to hope. <3

I hope you have a lovely rest of your day!
Love,
MacKenzie Mae


For help NOW!
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

For boys and men specifically: 1-800-656-4673

More resources here! https://linktr.ee/traumachatspodcast

Transcript

In this week’s trauma chat, I will be chatting about the importance of self-compassion for everyone, but especially trauma survivors. Ever since my abuse, I have had an ongoing struggle with harsh self-criticism and shame that commonly presents itself in negative self-talk. “I’m not good enough.” “I should be doing this.” “I can’t do that.” But after years and years of thinking self-criticism and shame will somehow make me feel guilty or shameful enough to be better, I learned that all it does is beat me down, make me feel horrible about the person I am, and hold me back from becoming the best version of myself. Talking cruel to myself wasn’t going to suddenly boost my confidence, my competency, the fact that I was abused or make the impacts my abuse had on me go away. At some point, I realized encouraging, kind, compassionate responses do motivate me, boost my confidence and my desire to be a better me. That’s when I discovered self-compassion, a practice I am incredibly passionate about and actively striving to improve.

To begin, let’s figure out how negative self-talk takes over and why it is so difficult to defeat. Negative self-talk develops from repeated feelings of shame and harsh self-critical thoughts or from being in an environment where shame and harsh criticism are present. For people who struggle with harsh self-critical thoughts, they can start to align with that criticism, taking on the identity of being a disappointment, not being good enough, etc. and that can lead to feelings of shame whenever that identity is quote on quote “proven”. As survivors, we have endured shame and criticism from our abusers, enablers, and bystanders, which compounds onto our feelings of shame. The human brain is constantly firing off neurons and creating neural pathways from every thought or behavior we experience. Those neural pathways strengthen as the thought or behavior is repeated. So, when internal or external shame and harsh criticism is repeated, those thought patterns are being strengthened. The reason it’s so difficult to defeat these thought patterns is because the neural pathways eventually become habitual and maybe even automatic thoughts that one isn’t consciously trying to think. The brain has developed in a way that once shame is felt that shameful, negative thought pattern is cued and automatically begins to flow through that neural pathway in the form of negative self-talk. So how can we get rid of negative self-talk? Well, the beautiful fact of the human brain is its neuroplasticity, or the ability to change and adapt, meaning we can evolve our own minds, create new neural pathways, and break down the old. We can challenge our shameful thought patterns and break down those neural pathways to build new neural pathways for compassionate, kind thought patterns! This is especially important for survivors, because we haven’t only been made to feel shameful about our abuse, but we have been impacted in ways that heighten our sense of shame through feeling alone, not being able to relate with others, developing mental illnesses, the pain of trying to heal. So join me, as a fellow survivor, as I learn and grow alongside you to create new neural pathways and embody self-compassion!

What even is self-compassion?? It’s meeting yourself, your mistakes, your adversities with kindness, sympathy, and understanding. I like to think of it as treating yourself like you would treat a friend in instances of adversity. Say your friend comes to you to express their struggle with showing their authentic self to new friends because of their social anxiety. Maybe they say, “I’m so awkward. I never know what to say, and I’m scared they won’t want to be my friend.” A good friend would probably respond with something like, “you are an incredible friend to me, and I feel grateful to have you in my life. I’m sure the right people will see that in you and want to be your friend as well.” A good friend responds with kindness, understanding, and compassion. A good friend wouldn’t say, “yeah, you are super awkward. You honestly shouldn’t even try to make new friends.” Responding with negativity offers no help and would leave your friend feeling worse than they did before coming to you. Most of us would never respond that way to a friend. So why is it that so many of us respond in that negative way to ourselves? When it leaves us feeling worse than before, making us feel stuck, ruminating in our negative self-talk? 

If we met ourselves with kindness and compassion, it could reduce the resistance against ourselves, it could give us the strength to move forward, propelling us past the adversity with greater ease. Self-compassion is not giving ourselves excuses or pitying ourselves, it’s being aware of the struggle, recognizing and sitting with the pain, and at the same time being curious, seeking for a lesson to be learned, being our own shoulder to cry on to bring us back to our feet, uplift us, to move forward. 

Think about how you interact with your best friend. How you hype them up, compliment them on the achievements they make, show them love unconditionally even when they make a mistake, pick them up when they’re down, always have their back, and compassionately challenge them to be the best version of themselves. A best friend wouldn’t tear you down by one mistake you made. They wouldn’t make fun of you for being yourself and showing your silly side. They wouldn’t shame you for missing the gym that day or if you ate a cookie. They wouldn’t look down on you for reacting to a triggering moment or for any other impacts of your past traumas showing themselves. 

Now, imagine how it would feel going through life with a built-in bestie? A best friend within yourself who you can trust and count on to have your back? Who wouldn’t want that? 

Humans are inherently imperfect. We must accept our imperfections and even expect them, because imperfection is a human condition. Pain, struggle, hardships are all inherent human experiences. No matter the person, we all go through hard times, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be loved, cared for, or valued.

Showing unconditional love, empathy, and kindness to ourselves through adversity is what self-compassion is all about. 

For a long time, I have been drawn to the word compassion. I have prided myself in striving to be compassionate toward all other humans, animals, and the environment. I have always sought to understand others, learn about others, to empathize with them and stand up for them. I went vegan my freshman year of college to extend compassion to animals and the environment. I joined an environmental club in college, try to reduce, reuse, recycle, minimize waste, thrift shop, choose sustainable options. I even got a tattoo of the word compassion above my right elbow to remind me to live compassionately. 

About a year and a half ago, I looked at my tattoo and realized I had not been embodying compassion to its fullest extent though. I had been extending compassion as best I could to everyone around me, all other sentient beings, nature, but not towards myself. I had been leaving out the most important part of compassion, because by showing self-compassion, one will be fully equipped to offer the most compassion, empathy, and love to all other beings and the environment. And that is when I became aware of my actions not aligning with my values. You see, I thought I had been aligning them by living a plant-based lifestyle, trying to minimize my participation in the destruction of our environment, watching and learning from countless interviews and documentaries of people living a different reality that me whether they were homeless, drug addicts, sex workers, transgender, a race different than mine, and even celebrities. But at the same time, I was shaming myself for not going to the gym enough, being socially awkward, having panic attacks, not being productive enough, not being smart enough, not being healed already from my trauma. I’d think, “my goodness it has been years, just get over it!” Those self-deprecating thoughts were the opposite of compassionate. So that is when I embarked on my journey to fully embody compassion, including self-compassion. Like I said, it’s been a journey. My destructive thought patterns have been solidifying for years and years so it’s gonna take time to break them down and create new thought patterns. I say this to let all of you know that I am truly in the trenches of this part of my healing journey. You’re not alone. I’m right here alongside you as you discover self-compassion and create your new neural pathways.

I think self-compassion is one of the most important aspects to a healing journey. In order to heal, one must be incredibly vulnerable and willing to accept change in the form of growing and cultivating new mindsets. One must be resilient and have the courage to face their trauma. Fortunately, trauma survivors are inherently resilient. They are called survivors, because they survived the trauma. They did what they needed to and became who they needed to become to survive. That takes resiliency. A healing journey is not about surviving anymore though, it’s about thriving now. It’s about doing what you need to do and becoming who you need to become to thrive. 

Self-compassion is so important on a healing journey because the journey to heal is not linear, it’s a lifelong endeavor, and it can be incredibly lonely with countless ups and downs, back and forths. For those reasons, being your own best friend and extending compassion to yourself are vital so you can, in fact, grow and heal. 

You are the only one able to heal yourself. 

You have to choose yourself, and you have to believe in yourself. 

There will be times that you think you’ve healed a certain part of yourself, but it comes back up. There will be times you think you’ve gone forward 1 step and back 3. 

There will be times when you feel like you’re embarking on this journey all alone and wonder if it’s worth it. In those times, that is where self-compassion comes into play. You have to love yourself enough to have the courage to bounce back from moments when a part of you that you thought was healed shows up again, for times when you think you’re making no progress, and for times when others aren’t able to be there for you. 

Self-compassion can be so hard. The fact that many of us have been in the trenches of our neural pathways, continually digging them deeper, creating stronger and stronger pathways, and making them feel impossible to break. It’s different for every individual. It could be low self-esteem, self-deprecating thoughts, anxiety, depression, shame, comparison, loneliness.

I think shame is the overlying factor of why it is so hard to show self-compassion. Being shameful of yourself leads to low self-esteem and self-deprecating thoughts, which leads to lack of understanding or empathy towards personal mental illnesses, causing individuals to compare themselves to others and feel a sense of loneliness when they don’t meet their perceived expectations, especially on a healing journey. How can one show compassion towards themselves if they feel terribly ashamed of themselves, their abuse, their mental health, their whole existence?

For trauma survivors, our brains have been wounded and we were left with mental illnesses, a distorted view of reality, lack of trust, shame, and many other potential impacts. Some survivors blame themselves for the abuse they endured. Some survivors blame themselves for how their trauma has impacted them, for the mental illnesses they developed, for their skewed view of reality. 

What trauma survivors must come to terms with is the abuse was NOT their fault. It was never their fault. It is fully, completely the abuser’s fault. The unfortunate fact is, if you weren’t there for the abuser to abuse, they would’ve found someone else to abuse. YOU had nothing to do with why you were abused. It doesn’t matter what you look like. It doesn’t matter what you were wearing. It doesn’t matter what you said. YOU were abused and the abuser holds ALL of the guilt and shame. Same goes for how the abuse impacted you. It’s not your fault the abuse caused you to develop PTSD, depression, an anxiety disorder, or an eating disorder. It’s not your fault you have trust issues, relationship struggles, sexual aversion, hypersexuality, or a higher likelihood of revictimization. All of that, all those impacts are on your abuser too. Do not feel ashamed by the person you had to become to survive. 

From personal experience, I know all of that is much easier said than done. Like I said, it is a journey. For years, I identified as being mentally broken. I would internally express that I am cursed with anxiety and panic attacks and abandonment issues and poor relationships and intimacy issues. This is just how I am, and this is how I will forever be. I felt shameful because I thought it was my fault I couldn’t handle and just get over my triggers. I thought it was my fault I kept being sexually coerced. “Well, I only said “no” a couple times or maybe that word didn’t come out and I only showed my lack of interest in my body language, I didn’t even push them away after they coerced me into saying “sure, fine, whatever”, so it's my fault.” I was ashamed of my anxiety disorder and always thought, “why am I such a burden? Why do I cry all the time? Why do I overthink everything? Why is my mind so BROKEN?” I just wanted to feel normal, to not have a massive, dark secret, to not feel suffocated by my fragile state of mind, not knowing when or where I would have another panic attack, whether it be in class, at work, or in the middle of an intimate encounter. It’s so sad to admit this, but at one point I kept hoping one day I would wake up as someone else. Someone who hadn’t been sexually abused as a child and wasn’t cursed with the incessant triggers, panic attacks, perfectionism, and perpetual fear of living in this world. I hated my mind, and I was beyond ashamed to have it. I was stuck comparing myself, my struggles, my mental stability, my appearances to anyone and everyone else. 

Comparison leads to a lack of self-compassion. Many of us have compared our intelligence, mental stability, wealth, success, and/or appearances to others. We equate our worth by comparing how much money is in our bank accounts, whether or not we have mental stability, if we got an A on a paper, what college we got into or what job we landed, our body types, if we have clear skin or not, if our thighs are too big, or if our arms are small enough. Last year I developed hormonal acne. I have never struggled with acne, so this has been a challenge for me. I not only compare my skin to other peoples’ skin, but to the past version of my skin. There have been many times I have been incredibly cruel to myself about it. Telling myself I am unattractive, that everyone is staring at it and thinks I’m gross, that I cannot be beautiful and have acne. It’s been a part of my self-compassion journey to challenge the self-deprecating thoughts and reframe them. To tell myself positive affirmations every time I look in the mirror to break down the neural pathways I’ve built and create new ones.

When we compare ourselves to others, we lose sight of the fact that 1 we are individuals with different experiences, struggles, and personalities and 2 the person you’re comparing yourself to has their own struggles they aren’t showing you or you aren’t able to see. Truly, there is no point in comparing yourself to anyone else. There can’t be any conclusions or significance drawn from comparison because there isn’t any control of the variables (the experiences each of you have been through, the environments each of you have been exposed to, the type of person you are and what sensitivities you have). 

So what does self-compassion look like? How do we embody self-compassion? How can we act in a compassionate way towards ourselves? How can we rewire our brains to create these new neural pathways?

One way is by extending even more love to ourselves when we’ve made a mistake, when we’re feeling ashamed, when we are feeling mentally unstable, or when we get stuck comparing ourselves to others. Those are the moments we need the most love and care. It’s amazing to show ourselves love when we’re feeling good or even mediocre, but it’s even more important when we are feeling down. In those down times, do what makes you feel safe, comforted, and authentic. 

Put on some groovy music and dance to it! 

Spend time in nature, breathing in the fresh air, listening to the wind rustling through the leaves, the birds chirping, watching the squirrels scurrying up the trees jumping from one to the next, feeling the earth beneath your feet, supporting you. 

Be creative – paint the sunset, draw pictures of fruit or butterflies with colored pencils, color in a coloring book, or practice your photography (double bonus if you practice it outside!)

Take a relaxing bath with bath bombs or salts, dimmed lights, a lit candle, soothing music, then once finished, mindfully lather up with lotion, massaging each part of your body while saying positive affirmations to yourself

Speaking of positive affirmations, this is another impactful way to create new self-compassionate neural pathways. Positive affirmations have helped me immensely in my journey to embody self-compassion. They are positive phrases said out loud repeatedly to challenge negative, self-critical thoughts. There have been studies proving that positive affirmations activate the reward center of your brain like you have already achieved whatever you say, releasing dopamine, a happy, positive chemical into your body. You’re basically tricking your mind to believe something whether you believe it or not. Like I said, I’ve been struggling with acne for about a year now. When it first started, I would look at myself in the mirror each morning, see my ance, and feel an overwhelming sense of disgust, embarrassment, and frustration, with thoughts of how ugly I am and how I didn’t want to go in public because I didn’t want anyone to look at me. Those feelings and thoughts are completely valid, but at the same time, they are incredibly self-sabotaging and cruel. I started using positive affirmations because I was realizing how I wasn’t showing myself kindness or compassion. I was doing everything in my control to improve my skin and talking to myself so cruelly was only making me feel worse and get more acne from stress. Now, each morning I see myself in the mirror and I tell myself, “I am beautiful with or without acne and the people I care about love me for who I am, not what I look like.” This has been incredibly helpful for me. I’m still struggling here and there, but each time I start to think something negative about my skin, I remember my positive affirmations to bring me back up. Many positive affirmations start with “I am” but they don’t have to. Any phrase or statement that affirms the positive of your situation will help your sub-conscious to rely on those thoughts when negative ones inevitably come into your mind. 

Reframing your thoughts is another way to show yourself compassion when you’re going through a hard time. Everything in life has duality. Duality in life is the balance of opposing forces, the yin and yang, the positive and negative. How one chooses to perceive experiences can be anywhere on that balanced spectrum, but to make it simpler, we’ll say one either chooses the positive outlook or the negative outlook. Reframing thoughts is shifting your perspective to the more positive side of that balance. I’m not saying everything is positive all the time and nothing bad ever happens if you just look at the positive side. I’m saying BOTH are true, there is the negative and the positive at the same exact time. Looking at the more positive side does not negate the negative side. It only offers your reality a more productive point of view. 

Throughout my life following disclosing my abuse, I struggled heavily with body image and body dysmorphia. I would look in the mirror and see a body I did not want. I was extremely self-conscious. When I would sit, I’d be sure to lift my thighs off the seat with only my tip toes touching the ground to make sure my cellulite wouldn’t show. I would wake up early for school to exercise and would never go to bed without doing my before sleep exercise routine. I even developed an eating disorder, restricting, restricting, restricting until my body couldn’t handle it anymore and I would find myself hiding from my family, in a trance, binge eating at midnight. Any time I would look in the mirror, I was disgusted with what I saw. Nothing I did was ever enough. Now, I love my body in all its forms, during every stage of my menstruation cycle, after every holiday where I eat til I can’t anymore, during anxious or depressed times when I don’t eat as much as my body needs. I love it because it allows me to experience this incredible life I have been given. My body is strong, powerful, self-sufficient and smart. I get to take long walks in nature, eat delicious foods, help a friend move, smell the flowers and rain in spring, and feel the soft fur of my adorable cat. My body’s appearance is the least interesting thing about me. It is merely a vessel I experience life through. Through this insight, you can grasp the duality of my feelings, thoughts, and emotions related to my body’s appearance. I once looked at it as something I needed to control, to meet society’s expectations, to be ashamed of. Throughout the years of reframing my thoughts around my body, there have been many days looking at my reflection in the mirror thinking hateful thoughts as tears run down my face, but verbalizing positive reframes even though in that moment, I didn’t believe what I was saying. After a few years of practicing reframes, the negative thoughts decreased significantly, but sporadically, I would hit a low spot, and the self-critical thoughts would arise again. In those moments, I just kept pushing through, kept reframing, and through repeated reframes, over years of creating this new neural pathway, I now see my body as a beautiful, powerful vessel for my experience on earth. The negative thought pattern around my body has finally dissipated, and now even if I’m bloated, or ate a lot, or didn’t eat enough, my brain remembers the reframes I’ve worked so hard on. The new neural pathway I have formed guides my thoughts to tell me my body is my vessel and is truly beautiful in every shape and form. 

Reframing thoughts is a daily practice for me. We all have times we think something bad about ourselves, that’s okay. But by reframing to the other side of the dual experience, the optimistic side, the glass half full instead of the glass half empty, a weight will be lifted off you, and your life will feel so much lighter. 

Something else incredibly important for self-compassion is forgiveness. Really, truly forgiving yourself. Forgiving yourself when you make a mistake, when you self-sabotage, when you get caught up in the shame of your trauma impacts, when you beat yourself up for having a panic attack, and when you resort back to a past version of yourself you worked hard to grow out of. You must truly forgive yourself to move forward. That is such an important aspect of self-compassion. Of course, we want to reflect on mistakes we make or why we reacted a certain way, but treat them as lessons, learnings to become a better you. Be curious when these occasions arise. Ask yourself, how can I make sure this mistake doesn’t happen again? Or what led to me reacting in that way? Beating yourself up over a mistake you made or over the way you resorted back to a past version of yourself is not going to make you feel better or give you the energy to move forward. Believe me, there will be countless times you react the way your past self would have, even after years of working to heal. Trust yourself though. You know who you are and who you are becoming. Those times of reacting in a way your past self would have is just your brain taking the negative pathway again, but that doesn’t negate all the work you’ve put into creating your new neural pathways. All it means is that past one hasn’t been kicked to the curb yet, but over time, you sure bet it will. The trick is, you learn from it, and the next time something like that comes up, you remember that lesson, and try to react in a way you want to react. Take it moment by moment, not letting the past define your present self. 

Self-compassion can truly impact your perspective on life, yourself, how you move through the world. It’s even proven to lead to emotional resilience and psychological well-being. Shame and self-criticism in times of adversary release unnecessary cortisol, which is the primary stress hormone, and worsens depression, anxiety, and stress. By eliminating shameful and self-critical thoughts, and replacing them with self-compassionate thoughts, your cortisol levels will lower leading to less depression, anxiety, and stress. This way of thinking gives you the capability to more easily respond, cope, and adapt to struggles and changes. Self-compassion is a superpower that grants you the gift of letting go of negative feelings quicker, eliminating looping or spiraling negative self-talk, taking a curious approach to learn and grow, and living in an all-around more positive reality. I can’t exactly remember where I heard this before, but I think it’s a common teaching for mental health professionals. Your thoughts lead to feelings which lead to behavior which lead to your reality. So, thinking compassionate, kind thoughts will lead to feeling more optimistic causing you to behave or react more authentically, leaving you in a more fulfilling, positive reality. It can alleviate the fear of making mistakes; the truth is, all humans make mistakes, so there is no shame in making them. It can lead you to love yourself unconditionally, no matter what you look like, what mental illnesses you have, what abuse you’ve survived. Like I said, self-compassion is a superpower. It’s hard work to embody, it takes time and repetition to create new neural pathways, it’s like learning a new language, but it’s an incredibly powerful perspective to use for past traumas, present struggles, and inevitable future adversities. Self-compassion can propel your healing journey forward from the emotional resiliency it builds within you to handle all the journey’s ups and downs over a lifetime.