How to Feel Safe Again After Sexual Abuse

Sexual assault or abuse can impact survivors' relationship with their bodies through disassociation, negative body image, hypervigilance, and/or difficulties with sexual intimacy. In this episode, I share practical tips, strategies, and coping mechanisms that I've been using and may help other survivors to reclaim a sense of safety in their bodies after experiencing sexual trauma.

SAPREA: https://youniquefoundation.org/resources-for-child-sexual-abuse-survivors/

Healing requires energy, vulnerability, and hard work. It’s a lifelong journey and it's never linear. Whatever season you're in on your healing journey, hold on to hope. <3

I hope you have a lovely rest of your day!
Love,
MacKenzie Mae


For help NOW!
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

For boys and men specifically: 1-800-656-4673

More resources here! https://linktr.ee/traumachatspodcast

Transcript

Hello fellow survivors and allies! Thank you for clicking on today’s episode of Trauma Chats with MacKenzie Mae. In this episode, I will be chatting about something that I’ve been in the trenches of healing from for years now. I’m talking about feeling safe in your body after experiencing sexual abuse. When it comes to feeling safe in my body, I’ve come a long way, but I’m still more so in the stage of awareness. I’m aware that this is something I struggle with almost daily, and I know I can heal this struggle, but I’m still working on creating and solidifying new thought patterns and neural pathways. So, I’m still learning how to feel safe in my body. I don’t have all the answers, but I can guarantee many other survivors are trying to learn how to find safety within themselves too. So hopefully we can all learn something in this episode, relate to one another, and feel less alone. I still struggle with feelings of shame and hopelessness around this topic. I’m choosing to create this episode now, because 1 I want to dive deeper into it, educate myself more on it, and hopefully learn some new perspectives that may move my healing forward and 2 I want to feel less alone. I know I’m not alone in this because I’ve had conversations with other survivors who have opened up about it. I’ll be touching on disassociation, negative body image, difficulties around sexual intimacy, and hypervigilance, which are all potential impacts of sexual abuse or assault that can cause survivors to feel unsafe in their own skin. Then I’ll be going into tips, strategies, and mindsets I’ve discovered that have been helping me reclaim my sense of safety after experiencing sexual trauma. Trigger warning, I will be discussing sexual abuse, eating disorders, intrusive thoughts, and the topics I just mentioned so please listen at your own discretion. 

First, let’s learn how sexual abuse or assault can impact how survivors feel in their bodies. I am not a mental health professional, I’ll just be sharing information I’ve learned throughout years of therapy, listening to other survivors talk about their experiences, and my own experiences. Survivors may experience all or none of the impacts I’ll be discussing. One huge impact that I and basically every survivor I’ve met has battled with is negative body image. Feeling insecure about physical appearances, feeling dirty, gross, or tainted due to being sexually violated, struggling with body dysmorphia, and eating disorders in an attempt to feel more secure of their bodies, feel in control, or to completely change their appearance to reinvent themselves. Shortly after my abuse ended, I wanted to change every little thing about me. I wanted to be unrecognizable to my abuser, but I think I also wanted to reinvent myself and let go of the version of me who was abused. Every time I looked in the mirror, I only saw the girl who was hurt, abused, and traumatized. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with her, so at 13, I decided to bleach my hair, change my part, stop wearing my glasses, and redo my entire wardrobe. I developed an eating disorder to feel a sense of control and outward perfection. At the time, I was so insecure of who I was not only physically but in every way that I was trying to hide myself, become as small as possible, so I’d almost become invisible. Negative body image can cause many survivors to feel ashamed, disgusted, and disconnected from their bodies that can lead to them disregarding self-care or healthy behaviors because they may feel their body is not worthy of being taken care of. This can present as not keeping up with personal hygiene or engaging in risky behavior such as substance abuse or unsafe sexual encounters. Some survivors could also associate certain body parts with their trauma, so anytime they see a certain body part, they could become triggered and feel unsafe in their own skin. Negative body image can also lead to being hyperaware of one’s body, always feeling judged by others, and never feeling like their bodies are good enough. Feeling judged and not good enough can further lead to feeling unsafe or uncomfortable in one’s body. I remember growing up in school I was constantly hyperaware of how I looked, how I sat in a chair, how I walked, how I literally moved throughout the world. I constantly believed that everyone around me was staring straight at me silently judging every single move I made. My whole day would be ruined if I ended up sweating in gym class that always seemed to be in the first half of the day. And, freshman and sophomore year of high school I refused to eat at school because I was so afraid something would end up in my teeth or on my face and I thought it was embarrassing to eat around people. That was when I was severely struggling with my eating disorder. Now I know that people only care about themselves and 9 times out of 10 aren’t paying attention to you, but it took a while to understand and believe that although those close to me would tell me that over and over. Speaking of being hyperaware, hypervigilance is another huge impact many survivors of sexual abuse experience which is when one is in a state of heightened awareness or alertness anticipating danger or threats to their safety constantly, day in and day out. When one is truly in danger or experiencing a traumatic event, hypervigilance is crucial because it allows one to super focus on potential threats to protect themselves. However it becomes unhealthy and detrimental to one’s wellbeing when it surpasses the danger. Many survivors remain in this hypervigilant state, in survival mode, long after their trauma has surpassed, creating immense confusion as to whether they are in danger or not and commonly creating danger in their minds when there is none. There are several physical sensations that hypervigilance causes such as tight chest, tense muscles, racing heart, quick breathing, as well as psychological symptoms like anxiety, panic attacks, and intrusive thoughts. One can imagine how this would make it hard to feel relaxed, at ease, or safe in their own bodies. I opened up about this a little bit in last week’s episode where I answered questions about being a survivor. I talked about how anytime I’m outside of my known safe environments or around people I feel safe with, I’m on hyperaware, paranoid, panic mode. Mostly every time I go on a walk alone, I have vivid, intrusive thoughts of someone assaulting me or trying to capture me. I’m constantly thinking of what I’d do to protect myself, if I have anything I could use as a weapon, if I could outrun them. I scan my surroundings to see if there’s people around to witness or help me or if I’d be able to scream loud enough for someone to notice. I always imagine what it’d be like, how nice it’d be to not have these thoughts racing through my mind when I’m trying to walk back to my car after the gym or a grocery store run. I think this has fed into my struggle with social anxiety as well. Many times when strangers strike up a conversation, the whole time I’m thinking of what their intention is, are they trying to manipulate me, are they objectifying me, are they trying to distract me and get me to let my guard down to hurt me? I still heavily struggle with this, but I do have some tips that have been helping me that I’ll share soon. Before that though, I have two more impacts that can cause survivors to feel unsafe in their bodies. Many survivors struggle with disassociation, which was a way to cope with their trauma. During trauma, a common survival response is to dissociate or disconnect from one’s physical self to create distance between oneself and the unbearable experience they’re enduring. This response is an intelligent bodily response to trauma that allows one to mentally escape from reality and truly helps humans survive such horrible experiences, but it commonly sticks around long after the traumatic experience has passed. The act of dissociating can get ingrained in a survivor’s brain, and it can cause them to persistently dissociate from reality even if there is no danger present, causing one to feel numb, detached, or disconnected from their physical body. It can be hard to develop a sense of safety within oneself who disassociates because they may have a hard time fully experiencing physical sensations and may not be able to identify or respond to pain or discomfort. Without being able to identify, feel, or respond to painful experiences, one can feel even more disconnected from themselves and even less in control of the safety of their bodies. This can be an incredibly difficult reality when coupled with sexual intimacy. Difficulties with sexual intimacy is another impact of sexual abuse that many survivors experience. Disassociating is one reason why sexual intimacy can be so difficult. Disassociating during sexual encounters can be terrifying. It can cause one to truly not feel in control of their body, struggle to determine what feels good and what doesn’t, struggle to feel anything at all, and feel like their body is just there experiencing it but they’re mentally not there. This is something I’ve struggled with ever since I began engaging in sexual experiences. I used to think there was something terribly wrong with me, like my body was just broken, or I just wasn’t ever going to be able to experience pleasurable sex. It made it hard to set boundaries or say no because I wanted to feel pleasure, I just couldn’t. Many survivors also struggle with either sexual aversion meaning they want nothing to do with sex or hypersexuality meaning they go to sex for comfort or as a coping mechanism. This may change throughout their lives as well. I, as well as several other survivors I have spoken to about this, have felt a constant roller coaster of highly desiring sexual contact and wanting nothing to do with it causing intense confusion for us and potentially for long-term partners who notice it over time. Sometimes after experiencing sexual abuse or assault, survivors may experience confusion separating sex from sexual abuse. It gets even more difficult if a survivor is revictimized, which is a common occurrence for survivors. If someone’s only sexual experiences have all been abusive or coercive, they may internalize that sex is either something to be avoided completely because it’s harmful or they may internalize that sex is to pleasure others, not themselves. They may feel obligated to engage in sexual intimacy, especially if in a relationship with someone. They may have difficulties setting boundaries, saying no, or stopping if they start to disassociate. One can imagine how this can cause a survivor to feel incredibly unsafe in their bodies.

I’ve personally struggled with all four of the impacts I just talked about and most of the symptoms of those impacts, and I’m still working on healing myself in those areas to feel safe again in my body. If you struggle with anything I just covered, you are not alone. They are extremely common impacts caused by experiencing sexual abuse or assault, so please show yourself compassion. I know I’ve beaten myself up plenty of times and still find myself judging my struggles, feeling shameful of them, or hopeless. But I have made improvements in the right direction, so I know healing is possible. Healing is possible for me and for all other survivors. We deserve to feel safe in our bodies. It may take time, it may be painful, but we are all capable of reclaiming safety within ourselves. So why don’t we chat about how we can do just that!

I wholeheartedly believe in therapy to aid in every aspect of healing from sexual abuse. Utilizing therapy to learn how to feel safe in one’s body again can be an incredibly useful tool. My advice for this though would be to find a therapist who specializes in treating survivors of sexual abuse. I’ve received therapy from several different therapists, many who were very generalized therapists. But I experienced the most healing and growing once I found a therapist that not only specialized in treating survivors but was a survivor themself. I personally connected much more with them because I felt they could truly understand what I was experiencing since they had endured similar trauma and had several successes in healing themselves with methods similar to the ones they shared with me. It’s not essential to have a therapist who is a survivor as well, but it did help me a lot! Additionally, I have gone through two different 3-month long therapy groups for survivors specifically. These groups were huge turning points in my journey. Not only did we learn about so many aspects of healing from sexual trauma each week, but we were all able to relate to one another, feel less alone together, learn from one another, and be there for one another. Those groups made such a positive impact on my healing journey, so I highly recommend trying to find something like that around you. Plus, nowadays, there are so many remote options in case there’s not a specialized group in person nearby. I know this can sound daunting though. I was nervous too, but I found that it was such a safe, and surprisingly comforting space to be in. You’re surrounded with other survivors who are trying to heal just like you, so there’s no judgement, just support and compassion for one another. And if it doesn’t work out, you can always bail early.

As you all know, I am not a mental health professional. But I do have some tips, strategies, and coping mechanisms that have helped me in my journey to feel safe in my body again that I’d like to share. Please note, these may not work for you. Everyone is different and it takes time to figure out what works best for you. I’m always trying out different strategies, and sometimes what used to help doesn’t anymore. It’s all about trial and error and adapting whenever necessary. All these tips are small things you can try out or start to implement to slowly improve your sense of safety in your body. 

The first two strategies or coping mechanisms that have been helping me reclaim my sense of safety kind of go together and I’ve chatted about them in past episodes on other topics. I’m talking about positive affirmations and thought reframes. Healing requires breaking down thought patterns that do not serve you anymore and creating new thought patterns or neural pathways that do serve you. Trauma wounds one’s brain in many potential ways, many of us have distorted views of reality, we end up in a perpetual state of hypervigilance, in constant survival mode even when the danger has gone away. Over years and years, we solidify negative thought patterns about our bodies and our worth, rationalizing the worst-case scenarios to somehow prepare us to survive any potential threat that could come our way even if there’s no threat in sight. All of that requires us to reframe our thoughts to create a new reality in our minds where we come to terms with not having to constantly be in survival mode all the time anymore, perceiving the world in a new light, realizing there can always be danger, but being perpetually hypervigilant is no way to live life. We learn that living that way is more detrimental than it is helping us survive. So to create this new reality in our minds, we must teach our brain to take new neural pathways by using thought reframes and positive affirmations. Like I mentioned before, many of us survivors will struggle with negative body image, either feeling forever dirty or tainted, feeling triggered by certain parts of our bodies, feeling the need to control our outward appearance, or feeling our bodies are being judged by others, which can cause us to feel ashamed of our bodies and even disregard the health of our bodies because we feel we are not worthy or our health just doesn’t matter. To begin with combatting these negative body image thoughts, we must internalize that we are worthy no matter our appearance or the experiences we’ve endured. Just because our bodies weren’t treated the way they deserved to be treated in the past, doesn’t mean they should continue to be treated poorly forever. Your worth does not lie in your appearance or in what you’ve experienced. You are inherently worthy, unique, and incredibly beautiful exactly the way you are. You must continuously tell yourself these things. Even in you don’t believe a word you’re saying, I want you to say out loud every day. “I am worthy of love and compassion regardless of my appearance or what I’ve experienced.” “I am worthy of love and compassion regardless of my appearance or what I’ve experienced.” Know that your body is merely a vessel you experience life in and you are so much more than your body. Anytime you have a negative or shameful thought about your body, take notice of the thought. Recognize that it is a passing thought that you don’t have to align with. Observe it and let it pass. Then replace that thought with a productive thought. For example, if you start to get self-conscious that others are staring at you, observe that thought, let it pass, then tell yourself, “Others are focused on themselves, not me.” If you’re like me back then and you look in the mirror and see someone who was hurt and traumatized, and you want to change the way you look. Do it! You’re allowed to present however you want, but make sure it’s a healthy change, meaning you’re changing up your look for you not someone else and you’re going about it in a way that won’t harm yourself. One way that would be a harmful way of changing your appearance is by hyper focusing on it and potentially developing an eating disorder. When it comes to this, you’re dealing with serious potential health complications that must be helped by a medical professional. So, please please please seek out professional help if you’re struggling with an eating disorder. 

As with any part of a healing journey, self-compassion is an absolute must. If you haven’t listened to episode 3 on rewiring your brain with self-compassion, you definitely should because embodying self-compassion is a core component of healing from sexual trauma. It will aid in healing every impact of sexual abuse you can imagine. In regards to healing a negative body image and feeling safe in your body again, you must remind yourself that the abuse or assault was not your fault. The impacts you’ve experienced because of that trauma is not your fault. You did not deserve to be abused, no one deserves that, and you did nothing to cause the abuse you endured. You are allowed to feel how you feel. It’s okay to feel a range of emotions but remember to give yourself grace. Allow yourself time to heal. Show yourself the most compassion in times you feel the most down on yourself. When creating new neural pathways, your brain is going to continue to follow old negative thought patterns until the new ones are solidified enough. That’s why every time you have a negative thought, you must recognize it and immediately reframe it. That’s how you’ll begin to solidify the new thought. It’s absolutely crucial to practice self-compassion in these moments because for instance if you had a thought like, “wow I hate the way I look,” then you start beating yourself up for thinking that thought because you thought you had created the new thought pattern and are upset that it hasn’t stuck yet, then you’re just following another negative thought pattern of shaming yourself for not healing quicker. Does that make sense? The best way to create a new thought pattern is to simply just observe the negative thought with zero judgement and immediately reframe it. Know going into this journey that you will fall back into old thought patterns, but that doesn’t mean you haven’t made progress. It just means you have more solidifying to do. Self-compassion is key! The last tip I’ll mention to combat negative body image is to practice self-care. A lack of self-care can come from having a negative body image and not believing you or your body are worthy of being taken care of. This could look like not brushing your teeth, showering infrequently, not brushing your hair, not getting enough sleep, and the list could go on. If you struggle with this, you are not alone. It’s okay! However, by engaging in self-care, you will help combat your negative body image. By showing yourself that your body is worthy of being taken care of, you will begin to feel better about your body. When I find myself having a hard time doing hygiene care or getting enough sleep because of whatever reason, I will set a recurring alarm on my phone to prompt me on whatever I need to do. For example, I periodically set an alarm for 10pm at night every night which alerts me to turn off the TV or get off my phone and start getting ready for bed. Overtime it just becomes a habit and I’m able to get rid of the alarm because it’s just what I do. You can do this with any of the other things I mentioned too. You can set it for brushing your teeth, taking showers, etc. sometimes you just need someone to tell you to do something, and having an alarm to tell you can be a helpful tool. You could also have a close friend or family member help. You could ask them to send you reminders for certain things or to check in on you. By setting alarms or asking a friend for reminders, you’re setting your future self up for success. 

What about hypervigilance? What am I doing to help combat my constant state of hypervigilance, survival, paranoid mode? Well as I said, I struggle with this anytime I’m not in areas I feel safe in or around people I feel safe around. How I’m combatting this is basically exposure therapy. I think of it as racking up the experiences that turn out okay, racking up positive data points, that my brain can reference back to and know that it turned out okay 5 out of 5 times already so I have no reason to think it won’t turn out okay again. For example, every time I go on a walk and none of my thoughts of being taken or assaulted happens, I have another data point to reflect on and know that my thoughts are pretty irrational or insignificant. However, there is a balance here. You obviously want to be aware of your surroundings and taking steps to remain safe because you never know, but you don’t want to be completely consumed by your fears when in reality the statistics of being okay are on your side. Another way I’m helping to lessen my state of hypervigilance is by continuously grounding myself. When I’m feeling hyperaware, paranoid, or on high alert, I will consciously focus on the present moment as best as possible. I will shift my focus to what is in front of me and around me instead of the incessant thoughts running through my mind. To do this, I like to find details of my surroundings that bring me joy. I love taking notice of the birds I see, their colors, their cute little stick feet and beaks, or I look up at the clouds and try to imagine what they look like or what it’d be like if I could bounce from one to another. I may bring awareness to different parts of my body or heavily focus on my breath, breathing in for 4 seconds, holding for 7, and exhaling for 8. I’ll focus on all my senses; what I’m hearing, smelling, tasting, feeling, and seeing. By grounding, you’re able to conceptualize what is true and what is just in your head. All you know for sure is what is is front of you, your overthinking is all in your head. Grounding and breathing are also incredible tools to use to help when disassociating. When disassociating, one is mentally escaping and can leave their physical body. Grounding and breathing helps bring you out of your head and back into your physical being. This can be done anytime you’re disassociating and especially during sexual intimacy which is another instance where many survivors feel unsafe in their bodies. If you become triggered, overwhelmed, or disconnected at any point during sexual intimacy with yourself or another person, take a break and try some grounding techniques to show yourself that you are safe and in control. This could look like going to the bathroom for a minute to take deep breaths, observing your surroundings and naming the objects you see to bring you into the present moment, or just taking a moment to stretch your body. If you struggle to feel safe in intimate moments, take it slow. Practice saying no if that is hard for you. It's something that is still hard for me. Know that you don’t owe anyone ANYTHING. You are not obligated to do anything you don’t want to do. I’m telling you all this as much as I’m telling myself. I have been battling feeling obligated to do whatever others wanted me to do my whole life. Being a people pleaser, a perfectionist, and over-accommodating, all common characteristics of the fawning trauma response. This could be feeling obligated to saying yes to going to an event with someone when you really didn’t want to. It could be feeling obligated to go to college or study a certain field because you felt you had to. Or it could be engaging in sexual intimacy because you feel obligated to. I’ve struggled with all of those experiences. A way to find safety within your body again is internalizing that you do not owe anyone anything. Just because you’ve consented to kissing someone doesn’t mean you’ve consented to doing anything further. The minute you start to feel uncomfortable or just don’t want to continue is the minute things must end. You are in control of your body. Figure out what YOU need and be true to yourself. Only do what you feel comfortable doing. I know this can be hard for survivors because we weren’t allowed to say no during our abuse or assault. Or maybe we did say no but it wasn’t honored. Sexual assault or abuse is not sex though. Sex is consensual and should be pleasurable for each participant, yes including you too! If you have a hard time prioritizing your pleasure during sex, start by focusing on strengthening your relationship with other forms of intimacy other than sexual touch. Start with yourself. Give yourself a spa day: take a bath, moisturize your body, and massage yourself, take yourself on dates where you feel safe and comfortable, or cook yourself a nice meal. Then you can branch out to non-sexual intimacy with others, maybe a friend, family member, or even your partner who you feel safe with. Give or receive a shoulder massage, get your nails done together, or have a craft day. Next maybe explore sexual intimacy with yourself. Take time to learn how and where YOU like to be touched. Learn what makes YOU feel good. Take your time and stop at any time. It can also be helpful to reflect on what has triggered you in the past so you can either work through it or set a boundary with yourself or any future partner. Through doing this, overtime you can create new neural pathways in your brain that you ARE in control of your own body, and you are safe. Next you could explore sexual intimacy with a partner. Again, take it slow, especially if you become triggered engaging in sexual intimacy. I’d recommend to find a partner you feel safe with. You don’t have to disclose your trauma, however some type of information can be very helpful. With my current partner, I opened up about my trauma pretty early on so we were on the same page and he was able to better understand the boundaries I put in place, but it's not completely necessary to. If you prefer, you can keep it vague by saying something like, “I have had past experiences that can sometimes cause me to become triggered, overwhelmed, or disconnected during sex. Therefore, here are my boundaries.” It can be helpful to let your partner know what you need in an instance when you may become triggered, overwhelmed, or disconnected as well. Do you need space? Do you need verbal reassurance that you’re safe and in control? Do you need gentle, non-sexual touch like a hug or combing your hair with their fingers? Additionally, determining a “safe word” can be helpful for those of us that have a hard time saying “no” or “stop.” For the longest time, I felt extreme guilt and shame for saying no or stopping an intimate encounter. I didn’t feel like I could say no because I wasn’t able to during my abuse. I have also had several experiences after my abuse where I have said no and the other person dismissed my request to stop and coerced me into continuing on by making me feel guilty or shameful. Having a safe word can be a way of bypassing the emotional response that comes up by verbalizing the word no. Something else I learned through group therapy that I hadn’t heard prior, but to some may seem obvious, is that sex and intimacy doesn’t have to always end with one or both parties finishing, if you know what I mean. This realization for me was incredibly powerful. It was the first time I was able to relieve some of the pressure I put on myself in intimate situations. It made me feel less afraid of saying no or stopping before that happened. Communicating this with my partner made me feel much more comfortable engaging in intimacy because all expectations were eliminated. The only expectation for a sexual encounter was now to ensure it was pleasurable the whole time and to stop it if it ever became unpleasurable. Sex should be enjoyable, pleasurable, fun. It’s not about getting the job done or doing it because one feels obligated to. Your sense of safety is number 1. 

So those are some of the strategies I’ve taken to help reclaim my sense of safety in my body after experiencing sexual abuse. Like I said, this is just what has been helping me, but it may not help you. There are so so sooo many other ways out there to achieve the same goal that may work better for you! I encourage you to reach out to other survivors and see what has maybe helped them or check out Saprea’s website for their healing resources that I’ll have linked in the episode description. Please don’t be discouraged if you’ve tried everything I mentioned in today’s episode and still don’t feel a sense of safety. You will figure it out. Remember, healing journeys are not linear. They take time, energy, and repetition, but you are 100% capable of healing and living a life where you feel safe in your own skin. Show yourself the compassion you deserve. For my allies out there, I hope this episode gave you some insight into the struggles that survivors face to feel safe in their own skin. If you know a survivor, I hope this helps you understand them better, maybe why they always seem on edge in new situations or walking in new areas, why they lack personal hygiene sometimes, why they may seem like they’re out of it because they’re disassociating, or why they have a hard time with sexual intimacy. If you learned something or gained value from this episode please be sure to leave a rate and review it! And as always feel free to reach out to me on Instagram at trauma chats podcast. I truly appreciate you taking the time to listen to this episode and I can’t wait to chat again soon! Have a lovely rest of your day!