Ask a Sexual Abuse Survivor (Q&A)

In this episode, I answer questions ranging from overcoming feeling like "damaged goods" to if I've thought about what my life would be like if I never endured child sexual abuse. I also cover a lot on how I've managed to cope from my trauma. Hopefully, some of my insights will help you!

Healing Resources! https://youniquefoundation.org/resources-for-child-sexual-abuse-survivors/
Survivor Stories https://www.rainn.org/stories
Male Survivors' Stories https://1in6.org/male-survivor-stories/
CPTSD Info https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24881-cptsd-complex-ptsd

Healing requires energy, vulnerability, and hard work. It’s a lifelong journey and it's never linear. Whatever season you're in on your healing journey, hold on to hope. <3

I hope you have a lovely rest of your day!
Love,
MacKenzie Mae


For help NOW!
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

For boys and men specifically: 1-800-656-4673

More resources here! https://linktr.ee/traumachatspodcast

Transcript

Hello fellow survivors and allies and welcome back to trauma chats with me, mackenzie mae! I’m so grateful you clicked on today’s episode! I asked my community on Instagram and facebook if you all would ask me some questions on being a survivor and I got a good amount! Thank you so much for everyone who submitted questions. They’re all super intruging and I’m excited to get into them! Before I do, please make sure to follow this podcast on whatever platform you’re listening on and be sure to rate and review! It really helps out this podcast! Alrighty let’s get right into the questions!

Questions:

1.     If you could, would you change how the well-meaning people in your life treated you post-SA?

a.     Well, I would consider myself to be an empathetic person who truly tries to seek understanding of others, their comments, their actions, etc. Some would say I give people too many excuses for their actions. I think there’s a fine line there between being an empathetic person and letting others’ actions impact your personal well-being. Still trying to figure that balance out for myself. But I say that because to all of the well-meaning people in my life, if they for instance did say something insensitive or misinformed that hurt me, I try to analyze their actions to determine their intention. Sometimes people are well-intentioned but are just uneducated on topics such as child sexual abuse that I endured or mental health or whatever. Whether they had good intentions or not though, my feelings could’ve still been hurt. However, this type of mindset helps me to not take it so personal. Today, I strive to take those instances as opportunities to compassionately inform others on how their actions or words may have been hurtful. Because I believe, once people are aware, they are likely to do better next time, especially if they are well-intentioned in the first place. I didn’t always have this mindset though. It’s taken years to get to this point, and I’m still working on it. I’m a highly emotional person who has the tendency to take things personally or overanalyze others’ words and actions. Many times, I’ve taken others’ comments to heart, never confronted them about it and just suffered silently. Now my intentions are to compassionately confront them so they have an opportunity to learn how their words can be interpreted and hopefully deter them from acting the same with me again or with others. By confronting them, I’m able to stand up for my well-being, as well as potentially mitigate someone else being hurt in a similar way. And for the well-meaning people in my life who have consistently shown me love, respect, and compassion, they have made the biggest positive impact on me and my journey to heal. I’ll forever be grateful for the people who have supported me throughout the years. So no, I don’t think I’d change the way well-meaning people in my life have treated me, because 9 times out of 10, their good intentions are clear and the other times, I’m now able to not take it personally and use it as an opportunity to compassionately educate.

2.     How do you cope with phantom touches?

a.     Personally, I haven’t struggled with phantom touches, meaning feeling the same sensations of abuse without physically being touched. I believe this is a symptom of PTSD or CPTSD though. So I don’t have much to say on phantom touches unfortunately, but I have struggled having flashbacks after someone has touched me in a similar way to when I was abused. For example, in a past relationship, I had several instances that this happened. Trigger warning I’ll be discussing details of my sexual abuse. As a child victim, I was awoken frequently by being caressed, touched inappropriately, and woken up to be sexually abused. In a past relationship, I was awoken in the same manner which immediately sent me into a panic attack because it genuinely felt like I was a child again being abused, like I had regressed into the past version of me who wasn’t able to protect herself. There was another instance in that relationship where I was picked up and pinned against the wall. During my abuse as a child, that was the abuser’s signature way to molest me. I remember when it happened in my relationship, I freaked out, started hyperventilating and panicking, and my partner at the time was actually hurt and frustrated because they hated the thought that their action reminded me of my abuser. They felt that I was comparing them to my abuser, when in reality, I was only triggered by the touch. Their reaction made me feel shameful of the way I was triggered, like there was something awfully wrong with me, and that no one would ever want to be with me if they knew their touch could trigger a flashback of my abuse. I honestly felt disgusted with myself, and it felt like my partner was disgusted with me as well. I can understand why they reacted in such a way. I can imagine how hurtful it would feel to remind the person you love of their abuser. I’d probably feel uncomfortable too, not knowing when my partner would break out in a panic attack when you’re trying to be intimate. But at the same time, it was also incredibly hurtful to be made to feel ashamed and guilty of having a reaction I couldn’t control. Less than a month ago, I was in Las Vegas standing in a group of people I was there with when a bald, middle-aged, white man came up behind me and put his arm around my shoulder. I immediately stepped forward and said, “don’t touch me,” then proceeded to disassociate while attempting to calm my racing heart, remove the images in my mind of my abuser who was also a bald, middle-aged, white man, and come back to the present. I couldn’t tell you a word of what the man said to the group of people I was with because I went straight into survival mode. After that incident, I was too shook up to continue the night and went back to the hotel. So how do I cope with these triggering touches that send me into flashbacks of my abuse? It’s hard. The thing with triggers is you can’t always predict when they will happen. Like the incident in las vegas, I could’ve never predicted a random man would come up and touch me. However, instances similar to the ones I had in my last relationship, I think there are ways to help mitigate those once you are aware of the triggers. For me, now that I have experienced many of the touches that trigger me, I am now aware of the types of touching that is triggering. I’ve used this knowledge to create boundaries with my current partner. For me, I opened up about my abuse to my partner pretty early on in our relationship. Not all survivors feel comfortable sharing that information, but it actually made me feel more comfortable to be completely transparent. I’ve found that surviving child sexual abuse has impacted almost every aspect of my life, who I am, and how I move through the world. Especially with a romantic partner, I want them to know why I have certain boundaries, why I sometimes break down in panic attacks for reasons they may not understand, why I avoid certain places, songs, and foods, and more. By communicating my potential triggers to my partner, as well as giving them a proactive explanation as to why I may react certain ways, my triggers are able to be avoided better, and my partner can understand me better and know that the reactions I may have to certain touches or situations are not about them. So I know that doesn’t answer your question on phantom touches, but I hope it helped answer how I cope with having triggering touches that create flashbacks.

3.     Do you have any advice for coping with fragmented memories?

a.     This is such a great question and something I’ve really been thinking about lately. I’m wanting to do a whole episode on how trauma impacts memory because I’ve noticed how my memory has been impacted and I have no idea what the science behind it is yet. To be truthful, I don’t have advice on coping with fragmented memories. I’m looking for that advice myself actually. I will say though, over the last year or so, I’ve come to terms with my fragmented memories. I’ve accepted that I just won’t be able to remember a lot of things. For most of my life, I’ve been stuck in survival mode, focusing only on how to survive. I’ve struggled with dissociation, not feeling like I’m in my body, not picking up on what’s going on around me. For a while now, I think I’ve been coping by attempting to break out of survival mode. I’ve been trying as hard as I can to be as present as possible. By that I mean, I’ve been aware of when I’m zoning out or just going through the motions and I’ll do something to break out of that. Typically, it’ll be journaling, reading, or just acknowledging the little things like the cute birds snacking on the tree outside my apartment window right now or my cat in a slumber on his little window hammock. By engaging in those type of activities, I’m able to take myself out of my head and focus on the present moment, realizing life is simpler than I make it out to be sometimes, and if I’m more present, I remember things better. So that’s what has been making me feel better about better remembering what’s going on in the present moment. But in terms of remembering or not remembering the past, some things I’ve accepted that I’m fine with not remembering and other things, I’ve been asking my mom about. Fortunately, I have an incredible relationship with my mother. She has always been my biggest supporter and fought for justice. She also retired from teaching in 2017 I believe and now works at a child advocacy center to prevent other children from being abused. Because of this, we talk very openly about the abuse I endured and obviously since she was an adult when it occurred she remembers events better. I ask her questions about before, during, and after my abuse and she pretty much remembers everything she was exposed to. This has really helped with me coping with my fragmented memories, although she doesn’t know what she wasn’t exposed to. But through talking with her and hearing her point of view, it helps job my memory and I often remember details that I have previously forgotten. Also through creating this podcast and learning so much about the topic, I’ve been able to learn things that jogs my memory that I experienced that too. And through therapy, I’ve been able to do inner child healing work, truly open myself up to feeling what I felt as a child which allows me to remember more as well. I think the biggest step to coping with fragmented memories is to get to the point where you can actually face them. Our brains memory block details that hurt us too much to remember, but if we build up the courage to face them, we may be able to take away the veil and uncover what we’ve been hiding from ourselves for so long. I hope this answered your question sort of! Like I said, I’m planning to create a whole episode on this topic soon, so look out for that! It might take a little bit though since I have so much to learn myself!

4.     Do you live with CPTSD or anxiety? 

a.     Yes, I do! I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder when I was 17 and took medication every day for it until I was 22. I actually created a whole episode on navigating anxiety, panic attacks, and triggers, and go over several of my own struggles in that episode if anyone is interested in listening to that. And I’ve definitely struggled with CPTSD my whole life as well. For those of you who might not know what CPTSD is, it stands for complex post-traumatic stress disorder. It includes the core symptoms of PTSD, plus more. Commonly PTSD is caused from a short-term trauma such as a natural disaster or car accident, whereas CPTSD typically develops from prolonged or repeated trauma such as child abuse or neglect. The core symptoms of PTSD include flashbacks, nightmares, excessive avoidance of potential triggers, hypervigilance, and constant negative thoughts and emotions. CPTSD includes all of those symptoms plus severe difficulty forming and maintaining relationships, intense reactions to negative emotions, and a highly negative sense of self with persistent feelings of shame, guilt, failure, and worthlessness. I have struggled with all of these symptoms during at least some point of my life since my abuse. I haven’t struggled with nightmares since I was a teenager, but I still experience all of the other symptoms either frequently or from time to time. In recent years, I’ve put an emphasis on combatting my negative sense of self and feelings of shame, guilt, failure, and worthlessness. I’ve definitely made strides in healing that, but still have a long way to go. In episode 3 on rewiring your brain with self-compassion, I talk about how I’m doing this and share coping strategies that have worked best for me on my journey of self-love. I mentioned some of the flashbacks I’ve experienced in a previous question, so I do still struggle with those, but they are much less frequent than they used to be. One symptom I highly struggle with still today is hypervigilance. Any time I’m away from comfort like my home, other locations I feel safe in, or people who I feel safe with, I’m in paranoid, overthinking, hyperaware mode. My mind will wonder to the worst-case scenarios as I’m walking down the street, taking a plane ride alone, or trying out a new gym or coffee shop. I commonly fear being attacked, taken, assaulted, or even just objectified. I haven’t told many people this, but I’ve always struggled with thinking most males are looking at me, objectifying me, and devising a plan to assault me. I used to feel ashamed of thinking this way, afraid others would think I’m being conceded thinking every male wants me, but it wasn’t that at all. It wasn’t a way of thinking that I was so attractive that men wanted to do such things. It was a way of thinking that men don’t care what I look like, they just care that they can sexually assault me. In my rational mind, I know that most men are not thinking that way. I have several amazing men in my life who I love and trust. But still my hypervigilant, non-rational self has ingrained those paranoid thoughts into me. So that’s a long answer to saying yes, I struggle with anxiety and CPTSD. So if you do too, you’re not alone!

5.     How do you overcome the feeling of being “damaged goods?”

a.     I relate to this feeling so much, however I always referred to myself as being quote “broken” instead of damaged goods, but honestly, I think it’s the same thing. I felt I would never be good enough for me or anyone else. And quite frankly, I still struggle with these thoughts today. For the longest time, I’ve felt like I could never have a healthy romantic relationship because of all the mental illnesses I have, the trauma I’ve endured, the incessant triggers always ruining intimate moments, the way I struggle to regulate my emotions, and my codependent and perfectionist tendencies. Plus, I hated everything about myself so how could anyone else not hate it all too? In terms of friendships, I always felt like I was too much because I was told over and over that I was too loud, too obnoxious, too emotional, too this, too that. Overtime, I just started masking my true self to fit in. So then my authentic self was seen as damaged, but now I felt damaged inside when I was masking because I lost my true identity, I lost myself completely. In my last job, one day I was supervising a job and was ignored, dismissed, and made to feel inadequate at my role. This was incredibly triggering for me, and I ended up having a panic attack in front of several of my coworkers. After a quick meeting was conducted on how dismissing others at work was unacceptable, the facility manager who conducted the meeting pulled me aside to inform me that I was being too emotional, and I needed to control my emotions because they were getting in the way of me being able to perform my job. This destroyed me, and solidified the years of internal thoughts I had on feeling broken, incapable, flawed, etc. Not only had I felt this in personal relationships, but now I felt it in the workplace too. 

b.     So how am I overcoming this feeling of being damaged goods, of feeling broken? First of all, I had to let go of anyone, any situation that I didn’t feel comfortable being my authentic self around. I quit my job, stopped talking to people who didn’t make me feel safe, and focused 100% on myself. The feeling of being damaged goods comes from not feeling like you’re enough or feeling like you’re too much. So only surrounding myself with people who truly accept me for me was the first step in helping me accept me for me. I think the biggest hurdle to overcome feeling like damaged goods is accepting yourself, accepting where you are in the present moment, and letting go of any judgements, embodying self-compassion. Yes, it’s much much easier said than done, I know. But to start on that path, like I said surround yourself only with people you feel safe with and can be yourself around. Secondly, what has helped me is to imagine the person I want to be, who I want to become. Imagine what she does day to day. What she thinks about herself. How she treats herself. Then simply take action to BE that person. For me, I envisioned a version of myself who treated herself like she treats her best friend. I envisioned someone who brought herself on thoughtful dates to the park, to a coffee shop, or the beach. I envisioned someone who appreciated the parts of me that others had made me feel shameful for, like being in touch with my emotions, crying often, and feeling deeply for others. Then, I started acting like that person. I started discovering who I truly am, who I’ve always been deep down, but who was hurt, traumatized, and made to feel ashamed for who I was, my struggles, and my quirks. EVERY single human being has pain and struggles. You are not broken. You are not damaged goods. You are only human. You deserve love and respect from others and especially from yourself. You are simply human, maybe you have some mental illnesses that make life more complicated or living in today’s society more challenging, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love and respect. You are worthy of compassion no matter what you’ve experienced, what mental illnesses you have, what triggers you struggle with, etc. Those who are compatible with your true self with accept you for who you are at any given moment. Those who do not, are not meant to be in your life. I believe the path to overcoming feeling like damaged goods is by internalizing that you are worthy of love, compassion, and respect not only from others, but from yourself as well. Check out episode 7 on falling in love with your imperfections and episode 3 on rewiring your brain with self-compassion where I dive deeper into this topic.

6.     How do you manage to cope? I’m still learning how to.

a.     I’d say, the first step to coping with trauma is recognizing and accepting that trauma is literally an injury to your brain that was not your fault. Our brains have been wounded and we were left with mental illnesses, a distorted view of reality, lack of trust, shame, and many other potential impacts. For me personally, understanding the objective reality, the science behind the trauma I endured and the common impacts that can result from it, was incredibly helpful in putting what I was going through into perspective. Educating myself has allowed me to observe my situation in a zoomed-out perspective, making me feel less alone in my struggles, and providing hope for my healing. On top of the scientific education, I also sought out others’ stories of surviving similar trauma to me. Hearing others’ stories was crucial in my healing journey. I was finally able to relate to others, feel less alone in my experience, and witness other survivors surviving, maybe even thriving after their trauma. Their strength and resilience inspired me to keep fighting. Everyone’s journey is going to look different, but I think this is a helpful starting point. Our trauma, our wounded brains, can be treated. We must internalize that we are capable of healing. You must believe in yourself and your ability to heal. The impacts of the trauma may never go away completely, but they can most certainly be significantly improved through treatment, meaning professional medical support, establishment of a reliable support system, discovering and implementing coping strategies that work for you, and slowing shedding the overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame that hold so many trauma survivors in place. I manage to cope because I will use every last bit of energy within me to not let the person who abused me win. I will not allow their horrific, manipulative, destructive actions hold me hostage for the rest of my life. I have several resources linked in every episode description and the link in my Instagram bio if anyone would like to check them out! There are tons of resources for survivors and their healing journeys.

7.     Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you hadn’t had the CSA happen to you?

a.     100%. I’ve thought about this so so much throughout the years. As a teenager, I constantly wished my abuse never happened to me. I hated being someone who was abused. I tried so hard to push it away and act like it didn’t happen. I was abused from 9 to 13, but refused therapy until I was 18 or 19. I’ve spent countless sleepless nights, scared to fall asleep because of nightmares of my abuse, begging to be someone else who didn’t go through what I went through. I can’t remember most of my childhood because I was so incredibly anxious, depressed, and constantly disassociated from reality. I was perpetually in survival mode, literally just trying to survive. I feel like my childhood was stolen from me in many ways. I’m angry. I’m so angry I was sexually abused for 3 years and that it literally changed the entire trajectory of my life, negatively impacted my relationships with others and myself, caused so many mental illnesses, and made me perceive and interact with the world in a constant state of survival and hypervigilance. I’m sad for my younger self. I’m sad for my parents and loved ones for having to feel the pain of my abuse as well. I’m sad that I’ll never know what it’s like to not be a survivor, to not have to avoid certain people, situations, locations, songs, foods, smells, touches, and all the others things that trigger me, to not have to explain to those who I become close with why I am the way that I am, why I have to avoid certain things, why I might randomly break out in a panic attack, and why I suddenly shut down and isolate from the world someimtes. It’s fucking hard being a survivor. I want to walk down the street and not vividly imagine being sexually assaulted. I want to be intimate with another human being and not worry about being touched in a way that will send shivers throughout my whole body and imagery of my abuser through my mind’s eye. I want to think about my childhood passion of taekwondo and not be reminded that it is what fostered the abuse that has caused my life’s most painful moments to this day. The fact is though, I am who I am. I’ve experienced what I’ve experienced and there is nothing I can do to change the past. At some point, I had to accept that I had endured trauma, instead of letting it hinder me from living this life I’ve been given. I realized that I could either wish and wish and wish that I was someone else or that I never went through the abuse I did, or I could accept it and try to heal the best I could to live the best life I can, given what I’ve experienced. I had to take accountability for the way that I was making my situation worse. By not seeking help or even attempting to heal, I was only hurting myself more. You cannot control the cards you’ve been dealt, but you can control how you react to them. You can learn how to heal and thrive after trauma. But only YOU can make that decision. For me, I have chosen to seek professional help, make it my life’s mission to show up for myself every day, and now help other survivors along the way. Instead of feeling overwhelmingly angry or sad about my situation, I’ve let it fuel me to make myself better and positively impact others. I’m proud of who I’m become. I’m proud of my strength and resilience, and I’m determined to not let my abuser win. So yes, I’ve wondered what my life would be like if I never endured child sexual abuse, but I now accept my past, and instead of letting it control my future, I’m building a future on my own terms.

Alrighty that is the last question I’ll be answering for today’s episode. I truly enjoyed creating this episode because it made me feel much more connected to this community and I hope it made some of you feel the same! I’ll most definitely be doing another episode similar to this at some point in the future so if anyone ever has any questions, always feel free to send me a DM on Instagram at traumachatspodcast! I truly appreciate everyone who did submit questions! II hope you got some answers you were seeking and I hope everyone listening has learned something in today’s episode. With that being said, I will let you go and get on with the rest of your day! I hope it’s a lovely one and I can’t wait to chat with you next time!