Difficulties Disclosing Abuse + How to Respond to a Survivor

Disclosing sexual abuse is a complex process with several barriers that can discourage survivors from telling someone about the trauma they’ve endured. Receiving a compassionate response to disclosure is critical for a survivor's healing journey. 

In this episode, you will learn about those barriers, the process of disclosing, and how to appropriately and compassionately respond to a survivor disclosing to you. 

I used the following sources in this episode. If you’re interested in learning more about disclosing sexual abuse, check them out!
https://www.wingsfound.org/resource/deciding-about-disclosure-always-your-choice/
https://childusa.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Delayed-Disclosure-Factsheet-2020.pdf
https://www.d2l.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/all_statistics_20150619.pdf
https://www.tdcaa.com/journal/the-process-of-child-abuse-disclosure/ 

Healing requires energy, vulnerability, and hard work. It’s a lifelong journey and it's never linear. Whatever season you're in on your healing journey, hold on to hope. <3

I hope you have a lovely rest of your day!
Love,
MacKenzie Mae


For help NOW!
RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE

For boys and men specifically: 1-800-656-4673

More resources here! https://linktr.ee/traumachatspodcast

Transcript

In this week’s episode of Trauma Chats, I will be chatting about disclosing abuse: the importance of disclosing abuse, why many survivors delay or never disclose, and the gravity of responding compassionately to a survivor disclosing abuse. Remember, I am not a mental health professional. I am sharing information I’ve learned through therapy and research as well as my personal experience. This nature of this episode could be triggering for some individuals, so listen at your own discretion. I understand that every person who experiences abuse in their life has a different preference on the use of victim/survivor language. In this episode, I refer a person who is being abused as a victim, and a person who has experienced abuse in their lifetime that has ended as a survivor. I hope not to offend any survivors listening, but that depiction is what made sense to me. 

To begin, what does it mean to disclose abuse? Disclosure is a process where survivors of abuse either directly, indirectly, purposefully, or accidentally share information on their abuse experience. Few survivors will disclose as the abuse is occurring or shortly after, many will delay disclosure for years, even decades, and even more will never disclose the abuse they endured. In this episode you will learn disclosure statistics and facts of why survivors delay or choose not to disclose. The sources I have researched and used will be linked in the episode description if you’re interested in learning more.

A study done by Sorenson and Snow found that only 26% of disclosures are purposeful, meaning 74% are accidental. What does this mean? A purposeful disclosure is when a survivor blatantly and directly discloses the abuse they endured. An accidental disclosure is when the survivor indirectly or accidentally discloses their abuse. This could be a survivor hinting at abuse, asking about abuse for a friend, physical evidence being found during a medical exam, pictures or writings found depicting such abuse, along with many other potential indirect ways of disclosing. It’s important to note that a survivor must be ready to disclose their abuse themselves. It is theirs to give, not someone’s to get, meaning a survivor should not be interrogated or forced to disclose. But if information is found indirectly and the survivor or others are still potentially in dang  er, this information needs to be reported to a hotline or law enforcement. Only then will a trauma informed investigator seek a statement from the survivor to ensure their safety, as well as other potential victims or survivors of the same perpetrator. The hotline number is in the description of all of my episodes if anyone needs it.

Disclosing abuse is a process and every survivor has their own unique experience with it. The process can be broken down into 5 steps, although not every survivor will go through each step. The first is denial. Many survivors deny they experienced abuse for various reasons. Typically, perpetrators will threaten the person they are abusing or make them feel it is their fault, so fear and shame are two common reasons survivors will deny abuse. The second step is tentative disclosure, or a survivor disclosing their abuse experience piece by piece to ensure they will be safe if they tell more. Active disclosure commonly follows; this is when a survivor is actively giving details of their abuse. This can happen over time as the survivor remembers parts of their trauma as they process it. Sometimes, survivors will recant their disclosures, or take back their accusation. This doesn’t mean the accusations were false; it could mean the survivor was fearful of the effects unfolding since initially disclosing, maybe they received pressure from the perpetrator or enablers, they could feel ashamed, or many other reasons. Oftentimes, after recanting, survivors will reaffirm the abuse occurred once they are in a safe environment, feel supported, and confident they will remain safe. Disclosing abuse is a complex process that unravels differently for every survivor.

Disclosing abuse and receiving an appropriate response is critically important for a survivor’s well-being, to heal and move forward. If a survivor never discloses, they will hold their trauma inside them, try to suppress it, and it will inevitably impact every aspect of their life, their view of reality, their worth, relationships with others. When a survivor suppresses trauma, they can’t effectively process it, worsening the mental illnesses, pain, stress, and shame caused by their trauma. For a survivor who is still in the process of being abused, their disclosure could even be the catalyst to end that abuse. That was the case with me. But whether the abuse is still happening, or it has already ended, disclosing abuse is a critical part of a survivor’s healing journey. 

I’m not saying disclosing abuse will magically cure a survivor. I’m saying by disclosing abuse, depending on if the response they receive is positive, a survivor will have a better chance of healing, coping with their trauma, and living a fulfilling, peaceful life. There are various reasons why a survivor chooses to disclose abuse. It could be they need to rid themselves of this detrimental secret and want the truth to be shared, for help and support, to seek justice legally, to stop their abuser from abusing another person, or a multitude of other reasons. They could be prompted by some sort of event, potentially a speech or class on abuse education, a podcast like this, a tv show depicting a similar experience to them, or in a therapy session. In the first episode of this podcast, I spoke about how watching a tv show where a character was disclosing her abuse prompted my disclosure. It was the first time I heard about molestation and realized I wasn’t alone. It brought a perspective I never knew that the abuse wasn’t my fault, I could tell a close friend, they would believe me, and I would be supported. Especially for child sexual abuse survivors, we were so young and confused, had no idea what was happening or why it was happening and had never heard of such experience. So that’s why I believe representation in television, social media, in classrooms, or by parents are so important. The conversation needs to be had so children know what is and isn’t appropriate to prevent potential abuse and so survivors can be educated, know they’re not alone, that the abuse isn’t their fault, and if they tell a trusted individual they will get the support they need. Watching that tv show led to my disclosure and ended my abuse. If I hadn’t disclosed, I most likely would’ve been abused for many more years, compounding on the abuse I already endured and the ways it had already impacted me. In some cases, disclosing abuse stops the abuser from abusing more people. But ultimately, by disclosing, the survivor releases some of the built-up pressure inside them from keeping a massive, dark, and painful secret all to themselves. They are finally able to use their voice and verbalize what they had been suppressing and get the support they need and deserve. However, even if the response they receive is positive, there could still be negative impacts. For me, I received backlash from other individuals in my taekwondo organization who didn’t believe me and thought I made the accusations up, causing immense anxiety and frustration for me. I couldn’t see my peers who still trained under my perpetrator, and eventually I had to give up taekwondo, which all caused me a lot of grief. If a survivor was abused by a family member, maybe they will be separated from close family members they love. Disclosing abuse commonly has unavoidable negative impacts, but if the survivor receives an appropriate response, the positive impacts will typically outweigh the negative.

The majority of survivors delay disclosure or never disclose at all. According to darkness to light, an organization dedicated to ending child sexual abuse, one in ten children will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday but only 38% of them will disclose their abuse. That means 62% of all survivors who experience child sexual abuse will hide that truth with them for the rest of their lives. And for the 38% that do disclose, the average age of a survivor disclosing child sexual abuse is 52 years old according to a study done on 1000 survivors in 2014. Why is that? Well, it’s complex. Abusers can be incredibly manipulative and typically they have some type of power or control over the victim. It could be a family member, a friend, a teacher, a coach, a pastor, a doctor, or even older children. In sports, church, the doctor’s office or education, the abuser has influence on the victim’s passion, sense of purpose, well-being, or future. In the case of a family member, they may have influence over the victim’s well-being and manipulation over all the victim’s loved ones. These abusive figures are commonly in respected roles and are assumed to protect and care for children, save lives, make dreams come true, making them seem less likely to perpetrate. In the case of an adult abusing a child, there is an inherent influence of power because of age. I was ages 9 to 13 when I was sexually abused by my taekwondo coach who was not only an adult male, but also a respected 3rd degree black belt instructor who had the most influence on my dream of being an Olympian. Taekwondo is built on respect. You respect everyone, but especially those who are higher ranking, those who have more experience and wisdom. Most kids are taught to follow directions, do what you’re told, respect your elders. That power over children, over me when I was abused, and how they are brought up to act is a huge reason children don’t disclose their abuse. It’s common for abusers to demand their victims keep the abuse a secret. They may say “no one will believe you,” “you’ll get in trouble” “it’s your fault,” and often they threaten their victims to keep them silent. They may threaten the victim’s safety, their family’s safety, or even their passions, in my case my dream of being an Olympian. They may fear the abuser will retaliate. This instills fear and intimidation in the survivor and is often successful in keeping them silent. Contrary to what many people think, the majority of perpetrators are not strangers. Perpetrators look and act like everyone else. Unfortunately, 90% of child sexual abuse survivors know their abuser, 30% of children who are sexually abused are abused by family members, so the victim commonly loves and trusts the person abusing them. The love and trust could be because of the abuser’s role in the victim’s life as a trustworthy individual, by being respected by those around them, and/or the result of grooming. Abusers will groom their victims and manipulate everyone around them to ensure they can continue to abuse. Many people are unaware of what grooming is. Grooming in this sense is when a perpetrator builds a relationship with their victim in order to establish an emotional connection or relationship and ensure their victim will remain silent. The perpetrator will experiment with abuse over time, continuously evaluating how the victim responds to see if they can continue abusing and if they can worsen the severity of abuse while still maintaining their victim’s silence. In my case, my abuser started by paying more attention to me, complimenting me, helping me become better at taekwondo, offering me countless opportunities, paid me to assistant teach, and bought me gifts. He recognized my passion for taekwondo, my kind, non-confrontational personality, and respect for adults, and saw his opportunity to abuse. He would single me out in taekwondo class, have me go in front of everyone so he could demonstrate a sparring or self-defense technique with me, he figured out ways to get me alone by enrolling in a couple’s competition together requiring one on one practices late at night when everyone else was gone, offered to drive me to practices, and presented opportunities to make money if I helped him teach at summer camps over an hour away from my home. Throughout this time alone, he would tell me how much he loved me, how we were going to get married one day, all while gradually beginning to molest me, worsening each time that I didn’t say no and remained silent. Grooming is a gradual process that can take months or years and continues throughout the abuse. Another extremely common reason why survivors delay or never disclose is because of shame. Abusers often manipulate their victims into believing the abuse is their fault or they are the ones asking for it. The perpetrator could blame the abuse on their victim misbehaving or dressing a certain way. Saying that’s what caused whatever abuse to happen. Some survivors might think they enabled the abuse because they feel they let it happen or because they didn’t verbalize the word ‘no’. On top of that, today’s society commonly tends to victim blame, finding every potential reason as to why it was the survivor’s fault, shaming survivors, and causing many to avoid disclosing in fear of being shamed. And, in many cases, this can lead to a survivor questioning if what happened was abuse or not, convince themselves it wasn’t abuse, or have no idea if it was or wasn’t abuse. 

Disclosing abuse is complicated, confusing, and scary. From personal experience, it was absolutely terrifying not knowing how the person will react or if they will believe you. There was still fear in my mind when I was drafting my tentative disclosure text to my best friend that I would be seen as ungrateful for all the opportunities my abuser gave me, that no one would believe me because that’s what was ingrained into my mind by my abuser, that others would blame me or accuse me of lying. Fortunately, my best friend responded compassionately. She believed me and was there for me. Her caring response led to the end of my abuse. It gave me my first experience being believed, supported, and stood up for. It was a vital step to set my healing journey up for success. 

The reaction survivors receive after disclosing dictates how the conversation unfolds and the trajectory of the survivors healing journey from then on. If a survivor chooses to disclose abuse, they will tell someone they feel safe around and feel they can trust with their painful secret. Many times, in the case of a child disclosing, they won’t disclose to a parent, even if their parent makes them feel safe, of course assuming their parent isn’t the one abusing them. The reason for this can vary from survivor to survivor. It could be because the child truly believes the abuse was their fault and they don’t want to get in trouble. It could be because their parents have a strong relationship with the abuser causing the survivor to think they may not believe them or even accuse them of lying. It could be the survivor doesn’t want to upset their parent by sharing such painful information. In my experience, my relationship with my parents was strong and I would tell them almost everything, except I didn’t disclose my abuse to them. I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble, but I cared for my parents so much that I didn’t want to upset them. I’ve always been an empathetic person, so it hurt me when they hurt. I didn’t want to be the cause of their pain. If you are a parent with a child who survived sexual abuse and they didn’t disclose to you, it doesn’t necessarily mean they didn’t trust you or didn’t feel comfortable with you. It’s very common for child sexual abuse survivors to not tell their parents, so this is an important fact to keep in mind. Many child sexual abuse survivors will tentatively disclose to a close friend, sometimes leading to active disclosure if the friend tells an adult. The person I chose to initially disclose my abuse to was my best friend at 13 years old. I made her promise to me she wouldn’t tell anyone, but thankfully she did. Unfortunately, sometimes kids don’t tell anyone. They most likely don’t understand what happened or the severity of it or maybe they want to be a good friend and keep their promise not to tell. Many survivors choose to tell a close family member or friend, a significant other, a therapist, or another trusted individual. 

When a survivor discloses their trauma with another individual, it is essential they are met with compassion to feel heard, valid, and safe. I can’t stress enough how critical a supportive response to a disclosure is. If the response makes the survivor feel safe, they will know they can trust you and be willing to share more about the abuse they have endured. But if they start to feel unsafe, or are made to feel guilty, deceitful, or isolated, they will likely shut down and may never disclose their abuse to anyone else in the future. It could be detrimental to their healing journey and potentially retraumatize the survivor, exacerbating the pain they're already experiencing. Like I said, survivors will disclose to someone they trust, who they think loves and cares for them. So, if they receive a negative response from a trusted person, it can make the survivor feel even more isolated because the one person they chose to be vulnerable with and disclose to betrayed them as well. It can negatively impact their future relationships with others, their trust in others, their willingness to be vulnerable or ability feel safe around others, and further warp their view of reality. If the survivor is not believed, it could lead to further abuse, worsen their abuse, or enable the abuser to abuse others, shattering even more individuals’ lives. Inappropriate responses will certainly make the survivor feel more confused, ashamed, and alone. On the contrary, positive, appropriate responses can lead to the end of a survivor’s abuse, potentially start the process of legal action to stop the abuser from abusing others and get the survivor the support they need.

So what is an appropriate response to someone disclosing abuse to you? 

First and foremost, you must do your best to remain calm. Try not to show emotions of sadness, anger, fear, or frustration. The survivor could perceive those emotions as a reflection on how you feel about them. If your emotions do show, make sure you let the survivor know you are not upset with them, you are upset about the situation and care about them. 

Listen to the survivor. Let them talk to you and tell you whatever they are comfortable to share. Do not interrogate them to try to get more information, unless they are in imminent danger. If they are disclosing abuse that is currently happening, ask them if they are safe now and when they will potentially see their abuser again. If you determine their safety or another potential victim’s safety is at risk, you must call the national hotline number and report it. In many states in America, anyone 18 and older who is notified of child abuse and has reason to believe a child may be in danger is mandated to report that information. In the case of an adult survivor disclosing to you who has no reason to believe anyone else is at risk, you can let them know you will support them if they choose to report, but it is up to them, not you. Other than that, let the survivor share information on their own terms. As I mentioned before, they were probably threatened, told that no one would believe them or that it was their fault, and they probably feel incredibly alone. Many survivors aren’t aware of how common it is to be abused, which can cause them to feel isolated, embarrassed, and ashamed. Tell them you believe them, it’s not their fault, they are not alone, and they are not the only person this has happened to. Reassure them that you don’t feel any differently about them knowing this information and that you are glad they felt comfortable sharing it with you. Let them know they can trust you. Ask them how you can best support them but be careful not to make any promises you can’t keep. For instance, don’t tell them that their abuser will be locked up because the reality is only 25 out of every 1000 perpetrators will end up in prison according to RAINN, the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. And lastly, don’t tell people who don’t need to know. Like I said, abuse disclosure is led by the survivor. The survivor could feel betrayed if you tell others other than law enforcement, the national hotline, or another individual who may need to know in order to keep the survivor safe. Support, love, and care are essential for sexual abuse survivors, especially after disclosing. Make sure they know you are there for them and support them in seeking professional medical support to guide them in their healing journey, to learn how to cope with their trauma and all the impacts it has on them. They need to know they aren’t alone, that they at least have one person to trust and rely on. 

I mainly spoke on initial disclosures, but disclosing abuse is a recurring event. Every time a survivor decides to tell their abuse experience to someone is like disclosing abuse all over again. It can come with the same emotions and feelings and it’s just as important to receive supportive, appropriate responses every time. I’ve disclosed my abuse over and over again. For years after my initial disclosure, I didn’t speak of my abuse at all. When I was 16 was the first time I told anyone about my abuse since my initial disclosing period. I was having a panic attack related to my abuse in my room at home and needed to talk to someone about it so I called my boyfriend at the time and asked him to meet me in the hospital parking lot between our houses. I calmed down enough to drive over and once I got to his car, I just let it all out. I bawled and bawled and he kindly supported me. After that, I ended up hinting at it to my closest friends with little detail, until I told one the details my junior year in precalculus class, another when visiting her at college our freshman year, and slowly more and more of my closest friends throughout college and now. I eventually disclosed to every one of my long-term intimate partners due to the impacts of my abuse that caused immense struggles with romantic relationships and intimate encounters. Many sexual abuse survivors, but not all, will disclose their abuse to trusted long-term romantic partners to explain why they may be triggered by certain touches or have a panic attack in the middle of intimate times. At some point I’d love to make an episode on being in a relationship with a sexual abuse survivor and how the relationship can be impacted. Let me know if that is something you’d want me to chat about! I’ve now disclosed my abuse to many other people in my personal life, on national television, and this podcast. For me, disclosing my abuse or telling my story has made me feel increasingly more empowered each time. It makes me feel better understood, an explanation as to why I am the way I am. It feels freeing, like I finally have control of the narrative. I don’t let my trauma define me or hold me back anymore. I acknowledge it is something that happened to me, but I am so much more than that and have become the person I am today from persevering and choosing to heal despite the trauma I endured. It’s not necessary to go to the extent I have with disclosing though. Some survivors only tell a couple people or a therapist and find the empowerment and healing they deserve. Disclosure is 100% up to the survivor, it should always be on their terms, and they deserve appropriate, supportive responses. 

If you’re an ally, you most likely know someone close to you that has experienced abuse, whether you know about it or not. Proactively make sure your loved ones know you are a safe person who they can trust. Don’t ask any specific or detailed questions, just let them know they can feel safe to tell you anything and you will be there to love and support them. Survivors need to feel safe to disclose abuse so by proactively creating that safe space, they may feel comfortable disclosing to you at some point. Take mental notes on the appropriate responses to abuse disclosure that I covered. Stay calm. Tell them they are safe, you believe them, and they are not alone. Ask them how you can best support them, and then support them however they need. 

If you are a survivor, please don’t feel pressured to disclose from listening to this podcast. Although it can bring greater healing to disclose, it’s completely up to you to determine when you are ready. It’s important to have a support system and be in a safe environment to ensure your mental and physical well-being. Remember, the abuse was not your fault. You are not alone. You are believed. You are supported, and you are loved. As a fellow survivor, I am here for you. 

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, I have linked all the sources I researched and utilized in today’s episode in the description. If you’re interested in learning more on abuse disclosure, be sure to check those out. Also, if you have any questions for me, feel free to DM me on Instagram at Trauma Chats podcast. I love interacting with you all and supporting you in any way I can.